Day after day, month after month, year after year I live with my intrusive thoughts.
Some days are easier than others, some days are harder than others. Some days are quiet and some are loud. Unbearably loud, and chaotic.
I have had days where I cried so desperately praying and wishing to have memory loss. I wished for my memory to go so I can forget all the thoughts that have entered my mind. The stress, guilt, shame that comes with these thoughts make it harder to deal with. I feel like in those desperate moments the bad trumped all the good, I didn’t care about forgetting my friends and family, I didn’t care about forgetting love and happiness, all I wanted was to forget these thoughts.
I havnt had a patch this rough in so long, I can’t remember how I dealt with this. I’m much older now, I thought I would do better. It’s hard. Its all too much, one minute I’m downstairs with the family talking while the thoughts are pressing down on my brain, the next I can’t fight the crushing feeling, I walk upstairs to my room and lock the door, I go inside my bathroom and lock the door, I go inside the shower cubicle and lie on the cold floor, and just cried. I don’t know how long I was there for, I stopped crying but couldn’t get up. I listened to the sound of drilling from the construction work outside my house and felt my hands and cheeks getting colder and colder. I don’t know how or when but the thoughts lowered their volume and got up. It was hard getting out but I did.
It’s still hard. I havnt felt this out of control in a long time.