Sometimes I find it would be easier to just give up. To stop trying. No, I'm not going to end my life or anything.. Just seclude myself to only the things that don't make me nervous. (is that possible?)
It's like i am CONSTANTLY stressed.. The littlest things just stress me out SOO much its ridiculous. Knowing that I have to do laundry stresses me out.. Not being able to find a phone charger stresses me out… my mom being out of town stresses me out.. And the list goes on and on. Its like i have this HUGEE elephant on my shoulders (\well it feels like it is more in my stomach since that is where ALL my stress is kept) and it just needs to be lifted off. I'm so tired of fighting against this anxiety.. I've had these panic attacks ever since I was 10.. thats about 10 years now and quite frankly I'm getting pissed that i havent "grown out" of it like my parents have said. Nothing works, not even medication. I'm so sick and tired of EVERYTHING having to be a struggle. Everything!! Nothing comes easy. I can't even write this blog without having some sort of anxiety starting to build up in my stomach.
Today I woke up in a panic attack… Those are the worst because it practically ruins your whole day which it did. Great fricken Christmas Eve, let me tell you.
It started off with me in a dead sleep, to waking up with my dad telling me I had to get to the office (we both work for the same company) because our boss is out of town and someone wanted to come get pictures and he didn't know how to do this. Keep in mind I' have gotten a total of about 4 hours of sleep by then, and frankly I'm pissed he woke me up. So, I lay in bed having a small panic attack feeling like I'm going to vomit all over the fricken bed when finally I FORCE myself to get out of bed and start the day.. ughhhhh…
I get to work and its utter chaos. People calling wanting to get their pictures by Christmas.. Not to mention I haven't eaten anything at all so I'm like super stressed with everything and I'm like pracitcally starving by this point.
I finally get home.. exhausted.. but what do you know I can't take a nap cauese that would just make sense. Instead I end up watching tv for a few hours until my boyfriend gets off work and we are going to his grandmas for Christmas (so I thought) He gets off work, and I jump in the car to find out we are actually going to his aunts house which is about 40 minutes away. (I HATE CAR RIDES) so I'm sitting there panicking the entire way there.. until we finally get there and I open like one present and we leave. On the way home my anxiety was so bad I felt like i was going to barf everywhere.. omgg.. Now it seems I have a massive headache and I STILL cannot fall asleep for some reason, even though I have to get up at around 9:30 to go to a family party at 11… Which I am also scared about.
My dad my entire life has been very unsupportive of my anxiety… He always told me to get over it, and suck it up.. So now Its like whenever I go to family functions with him it seems that my anxiety is ten times worse.
Not to mention my boss wants me to shoot a family pictures all by myself tomorrow (yes on christmas) at 6 o clock…. Great, another thing to worry about.
Its like nothing comes easy for me.. Even on Christmas.