Things have gotten better since my last post.
- I have worked my 600 hours as a temp and received my assessment, which was overall positive.
- I moved into my apartment, and save for being immensely irritated at the neighbors directly below me, I like the place. Its nothing fancy. I’ve not been able to decorate. Its been a place to rest.
- My grandmother is on her own again and doesn’t seem to harbor any hard feelings toward me.
- All of the issues, save for that fulltime position in my factory, have been resolved. I’m able to pay my bills. I have a place to sleep. I have friends. I eat, not always what I want, but I have food.
My basic needs are met.
I’m here to actually discuss a very bizarre feeling I had while working last night.
I was doing my assigned work and at one point, even though my body was moving and doing what it needed to do….
I felt like I was sitting in a dark room inside myself watching it happen. It was as though I was a one-person audience watching the most dull film ever made. The visualization was vivid. A chair, in a dark room, with a dim pendant lamp above my head is what I saw. I was sat in the chair, staring through my eyes that were like windows and feeling like it wasn’t me doing the work. I was just sitting there watching my body perform a task automatically.
It scared me a bit. I’d never done this before. My body was going through the motions but I wasn’t present. Just sat in this room, overseeing.
There was no one in the room with me as far as I could tell. I couldn’t stand up or look away.
To be fair I’ve always felt like I was living inside my body, but that my body isn’t me.
This just took it to a weird level where I was immensely more aware of it.
I don’t really know what it means, or whats caused it, but it was easily the most eerie thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve been in this body for 32 years now, and have never felt so disconnected from it.