Of course I can't sleep and I haven't slept since Friday night. Today was unbearable. I got a text from K (too late as his phone has issues) about getting at drink. I wouldn't have been able to anyway, I am a total mess after that damn HS reunion party.
I can't sleep and I'm thinking about how much I love K. I've felt this way for almost 6 years, as soon as I met him and long, long after he left me. Right now my emotions are mixed. I'm happy he's paying so much attention to me, but can I handle it when it ends?
God, I love him. I take deep breaths just thinking about him. I am thinking of last week and how wonderful it was to look into his eyes, to be with him again.
I just want to say to him "I never stopped loving you and I never will."
I wrote him that letter, almost 2 yrs ago now. I wonder if he still remembers it and if that was partly why he reconnected with me. I never wrote a love letter before, at least, not like that one. I called him wonderful, amazing and talented. Which he is, all of those things. But realistically, he's also over-bearing, stubborn, annoying and selfish. But I say those things in a loving way. After all, we ALL have flaws and we can all be selfish sometimes. It's ok. I love K even with his flaws.
This is very dangerous. That's why I'm fearful. Just a few months ago he had a girlfriend and I don't even know how many girlfriends he's had since we broke up. Suppose he decides he really loves one of them? Or if he meets someone new? I'm dead then, just dead! I can't be having these feelings for him. I have to stop. I have to think of him as a friend whether the friendship has benefits or not, it's just a friendship. Just like my friendship with C, who I only get together with twice a year.
But I'm not in love with C, and that's what makes it easy with him. With K, I can't not have feelings. They are too strong. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm addicted to him and I've only seen him once. I can't feel like this, it has to stop. It has to stop before it devastates me all over again.