Since my OCD decided to flare up/amplify itself yesterday, I've been nothing but anxious. Maybe it's because I get seasonal depression….I guess winter came early this year.

I haven't slept decently for 3 nights. Crying myself to sleep isn't an option anymore, at least I try to prevent it from being one. I can't get these thoughts out of my head.  The people I'm hurting, who might get hurt, all because of me…so that's why I'm up, writing a blog entry at 1:54 in the morning…I have to be up in 7 hours for class. I've been thinking more about how I can take small steps to helping myself, remembering what new friends here on the tribe have said in forum comments…Don't give into doing this because this other thought has popped into your head, fight it, etc…This is all so easy and motivating until I look at the man asleep next to me who is my everything, and all I can think is, "Will he be alive in the morning?"

He knows something's up with me right now, he always knows when something is wrong…But I can't even begin to explain to him what's going on. I can't get through a sentence without sobbing, let alone, get the words out correctly. I'm going to tell him soon, and I'm going to get help.

All I know is I haven't felt this alone in a long time…so I've stayed up tonight, reading other people's blogs, and it helps to feel not so lonely, and I like that. I liked the feeling of knowing someone on the other side of the screen is looking back in my direction, spilling their hearts out, the way I do. I'm glad I found this place. I'm glad I've gotten this off my chest…I guess now I should try to get some sleep..fingers crossed. Night.