It has been a long and hard winter here in Missouri, especially when you barely had enough winter wood. For some reason and perhaps cause we had been working on Mary's house things as far as the wood goes was barely enough to get by, but we did! This year I thought I would write and I did, but as I had mentioned lost about 40 pages due to the internet. I say I won't let that stop me but it through my spirit in a big spin and setback. My mind wonders and like yours way too much is going in there but still unable to get it all done, I do the best that I can! Funny how easy it is too either push back and inward but yet we do it every day of our lives. It isn't only depression, and only anxiety that we have but rituals, and feeling to many times hurt ourselves, though for me this is NOT EVEN AN OPTION! It is something to struggle and to deal with even though the OCD rituals are what I do to deal with, it is almost and in fact a habit by now. It is like you already know by now somthing that we must do, weather with our hands, or with our minds or a combination of both. I SAY ALWAYS THAT WE ARE HERE FOR A REASON. I'MALSO SAYING NOW LIKE I TOLD MY LITTLE GIRLFREIND THAT WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN OUR BODIES BEFORE HAND AND KNOW ABOUT AND ACCEPT OUR BODY'S BEFOREHAND, SO I HEAR. IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND LEFT HOME ALL ALONE I USE TO LOOK AT THE OLD TESTAMENT AND GOD WAS ABOVE THE GROUNDS AND HE HAD A FEATHER AND HE WROTE THINGS DOWN, I HAD TO ALWAYS GUESS ON WHAT THE PICTURES MEANT, WHILE I SCRIBBLED IN IT MY SIGNATURES AND THINKING ABOUT IT NOW, THAT'S THE SAME AS WHAT WE DO IN OUR LIVES SCRIBBLE OUR SIGNATURES AND WHAT WE DID COME HERE TO ACCOMPLISH!
I am at the point where I am looking back and reflecting on a lot of things, and still I am learning as we do till the end of our lives of course. With this time and where I am I AM GROWING MORE AWARE OF MY SPIRIT AND ASKING WHY DID I come here anyway? I am at the point in age where there is definitely spirit awareness. Your trying to make sense of it all, and especially to a thinker like me it is so mind boggeling! I know time does not exist to the spirit, nor does age, gender, race, nationality, nor probably a number of other things. I think back how I struggled even to keep my husband I had to fight for him and win him over, economic situations which were very severe, not that I have it made now, BUT THINGS WERE EVEN WORSE. I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF OF THIS FROM TIME TO TIME AS I TOO TRY TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE HERE ON THIS EARTH! I know that fear will hold me back of my potential to get ahead and live to my fullest, but still I have it. I have more fear in the living than in the dying. I KEEP SAYING TO MYSELF I MUST GET AHEAD. I MUST LIVE TO THE FULLESET OF MY POTENTIAL, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT OH, SO SMART GREEK-ORTHODOX GIRL THAT I ONCE KNEW! I KNOW I CARRY HER WITHIN ME, AND THUS ALSO THAT I CARRY HER STRENGTHS AS WELL, BUT WHY THIS EMPTY SET BACK OF MY EXISTANCE, MAYBE FEAR HAS DONE THAT TO ME! MAYBE IT IS THE SAME ONE THAT IS CALLED OCD AND CRIES OUT FOR US TO PLAY, WHO KNOWS?! IN MY SPIRIT I SEE MYSELF YOUNG AND STILL YURN FOR THOSE YEARS. AS I WAS GOING IN TOWN TO HAND IN MY APPLICATION FOR AN ATTEMT ON WORKING I LOOKED BACK TO SOMEONE I WAS TRYING TO RECOGNIZE, HE WAS AN OLD MAN WITH A GRAY MUSTACH AND A HAT, DRESSED IN WARM WINTER CLOTHING FOR IT IS MARCH STILL, BUT IT WAS A GOOD DAY, AND I WAS TRYING TO RECOGNIZE HIM–HE WAS MY VERY OWN LOVING HUSBAND, THE ONE I FOUGHT FOR WHEN I WAS YOUNG FOR. IT MADE ME THINK……………I STARTED THINKING ABOUT MYSELF AND THE WAY THAT I MUST NOW START SEEING MYSELF FOR I AM NO LONGER THAN YOUNG WOMAN I STILL SEE IN MY MIND BUT ALSO THIS WOMAN WHO HAS AGED AND WILL STILL BE AGING! IT WAS A SPIRITUAL RECOGNITION, THAT EVEN THOUGH HER BODY AND FACE MUST NOW LOOK OLDER TO MOST, I AM STILL THAT YOUNG FACE THAT I DO STILL SEE IN MY SPIRIT. FOR MOST PEOPLE THIS MIGHT NOT BE SOMETHING THAT THEY AUTOMATICALLY THINK OF ESPECIALLY AS THEY GO TURN IN AN APPLICATION FOR WORK. THE VEHICLE BEAT UP AND OLD AS THE PEOPLE DRIVING AND RIDING IN IT CAME AND WAS TRYING TO APPROACH ME AND AS IT GREATED ME WITH THE LOVE OF JUST THAT ONE PERSON INSIDE IT THAT I TAKE FOR GRANTED OR THE PAIN DWELLS INSIDE ME AND BLOCKS IT OUT I FIND MY PLACE OF BELONGING AND OF SOMETHING THAT FITS ME JUST RIGHT. I COULD NOT OF PLANED ALL THIS LIFE OUT, NOR MAPED IT OUT, FOR I WOULD OF LEFT OUT ALL THE PAIN THAT WENT WITH IT, AND YET IT MUST HAVE BEEN DONE FOR ME AHEAD OF TIME BY SOMEONE ELSE MUCH MORE HIGHER THAT MYSELF. I am just a speck of light that is all I am, BUT I DON'T THINK SOMETHING THAT IS MUCH LESS IMPORTANT. AND AS WE DROVE AWAY AND I REACHED TO TURN THE MUSIC ON TO MY CLASSIC ROCK STATION I WAS COMPLETE NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT MY LIFE HAD BEEN, AND MY HUSBAND WHICH WAS WAY MUCH HARDER, EVEN THAN MINE! We drove up to clean a job that was asked of him as an extra job for a little bit more money, never did he complain one bit, nor ask me for any help, nevertheless I grabbed that broom, that was called a dut mop and swept my heart away, and after I GAVE A HAND IN THE MOPPING AS WELL, AS my husband perceided to buff the floor. The next day we were suppose to go to finish, rather he was, but the place was rented out, so tomorrow in the first sunlight of god's new day my HUSBAND WILL GO BACK TO FINISH HIS JOB, AND MAYBE REPEATING SOME OF THOSE STEPS FOR CLEANING IT IN THE SAME FASHION THAT HE DOES AMORE THAN A HUNDERD OTHER TIMES! and………..though yes, it is a hard life, MY SPIRIT YELLS OUT TO ME AND SAYS……THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE! I HOPE I HAVE GIVEN YOU A SMALL AMOUNT OF THAT SPIRITUAL STRENGHT AND POSITIVE ENERGY THAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU SEE THAT FIRST MORNING LIGHT TOMORROW! MAY GOD bless you and keep you well, till next time…….with all my love through my spirit to you. PLEASE take care of YOU! Love, EKATERINI-KATHY