Ever since this thing happened on etsy, everything has come crashing down on me. I am usually an anxious mess, but I cover it up by laughing at funny things, cutethings, nice things.I too have cats (noticed a lot of people on here have cats, they are wonderful aren't they!) and my cats make me smile… Not to mention History and SyFy channels, those are some good shows! Heck, I can keep it together, even appear like a chipper person, that is…until everything hits me at once… BAM! Like a bullet right in my fucken forehead!!!
A lot of us feel anxious about Christmas. I do too. Especially since I'm dead ass broke and about to sell my stuff off, but God forbid I do that peacefullyonline without running into a psycho bitch like that cunt on etsy. Almost 400 happy customers and she has to ruin it. But Evil Alice on Etsyis faaaarrr from the only problem I have. Yep. She is really a just a drop in the sea of tainted blood that is my miserable life.
I made a list on Facebook of what is bothering me. Not that the fuckers on there care. They don't. Not even my friends care. My friends rather suck, which I am aware is not the nicest thing to say about one's friends, but mine suck the big one. They are the quintessential example of "Fairweather Friends" and let's face it, in my life there's not all that much Fairweather, so my friends aren't around too much.
So that's another problem. My "friends" who disappear. My so-called best friend fell off the face of the earth again. She just disappears and reappears whenever she damn feels like it. Never there for me when I need her, unless she happens to be in the neighborhood.
I have been forgiving of her because she is bi-polar. She has also been so depressed she wanted to die. We became best friends because we know how the other feels. We the same. We are mentally ill women with hopes and dreams and a zest for life. But we get kicked in the ASS by our diseases. So I realize her life is not easy. It just sucks when she's not there to support me. I miss her.
Then there's all the problems with the ppl on FB. There's the fact I have nothing productive to do everyday. The fact that I'm old and unattractive and the HORRIBLE year I had trying to find someone to at least DATE let alone settle down with. I couldn't even get a goddamn decent date. The dating sites SUCK and eventhough all men are Evil, these ones are Evil AND Losers, LOL!!!
Then my parents. WOW if you want to hear some over-the-hill Italians argue, you came to the right place. Argue and bitch and fucken complain. Then today (when I ALMOST ended up in the hospital, yes, ALMOST! My mom was about to call 911, because I was breaking things…) Today I told my mom I hate her old hag ass because she had me and I would have never had ANY PROBLEMS if I were never born.
I called my mom names. I hit her (not hard) I broke things. All because of Alice… well her and the rest of the sea of blood.
Then there's Kyle. My 23 year old ex boyfriend. The bane of my goddamn existance, (other than the depression). Kyle was the love of my life. The only time EVER that I was truly happy was when he was at my side… and then he left. And ever since I have been dreaming, hoping WISHING for the day that he would come back. And that day is never.
So do I send Kyle that letter revealing my undying love for him which I have a feeling he already knows about anyway… and doesn't care… at least not in the way I want him to. Or do I let it fester inside me forver?
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO:
…Is simple, yet not. I want to die. I don't think that I can talk anyone out of suicide because then I'd be a hypocrite. So when I hear ppl say they want to kill themselves, I don't say anything other than "I know how you feel."
I've already come to the FIRM decision that I want to commit suicide. Since I was a teenager, I thought of it. Then when I suffered thru my 20's and now my 30's which are far, far worse… I finally realized. Yes! I want to die. FOR REAL.
So I bought a book that tells the best way to do it. I will not mention the book here because I do not want anyone else to use it, I would feel sad if anyone killed themselves here or anywhere, but I would understand the feelings.
But anyway, to make a long story short, the book tells you how to kill yourself peacefully. Problem: can't get the drug I need. Not easily. Maybe not at all. So then what's left are allll the old basics, guns, hanging, jumping out of a tall building… the awful ways. The ways that fail. The ways that make things even worse, which is hard to imagine, but things could definitely be worse.
So I'm stuck. I don't want to fuck up my suicide attempt. I fucked up everything else! So what are my options now? To get better meds? Nope. Not gonna try it. Fucking around with meds is maybe a little better than street drugs, but in some cases not much. I don't trust the new meds on the market. I only trust MY meds, that were invented 20 yrs or so ago. And I know they work. But they can only do so much.
So I could write forver. But that's it right now. I can't stand it.
I want to send Kyle that letter, I want to write a suicide note, I want to kill myself. But I can't. Not easily and not efficiently.
Perhaps I'll get cancer, heck, my dad's got it. And it runs in the family. I really do not want cancer. But I gotta die sometime. It just won't be today.