When I woke up today, I wasn’t sure how I was feeling. It was a strange, almost daydreamy state. Like I was awake, yet asleep at the same time. I was feeling quite lonely and sad. I don’t know if there was an exact reason for it, just generally feeling bad.

I did something that I shouldn’t have, and I know i’ll regret it, and I know that I shouldn’t have done it.  I cancelled my appointment with the therapist. I know everyone is going to be on my back about it. I know I should have went. I just felt like there would be no point in the mood I was in.

I did however have an intense feeling of needing to get out of the house. So I got a lift into town with mum on her way to work. I made my way to a nice little sandwich store, and got myself a chicken salad sandwich and, to my great shock, I brought a strawberry yogurt. I fancied it. I hardly ever eat yogurt, and it sometimes makes me feel ill. This one was very nice. I enjoyed it alot. After my lunch I really wanted to go to the liquor store and buy some alcohol. I wanted to escape, but I did the right thing and turned around half way there. I don’t know if I would have drunk it even if I had brought it to be honest. Make of that what you will.

I spent most of the afternoon walking around. Not really settling on anything in particular. When I was stil in town at the time my therapist appointment was, I almost decided to go to it. I should have gone to the DAMN appointment. It was stupid of me not to go. What was I thinking???!! Thats the thing Jacqui, you don’t think half the time. I let my emotions take over, and make rash decisions. On the spot decisions that don’t help me at all. Infact the hinder me. They stop me from getting better sometimes. They form a great big brick wall. On one side there is me, now, like this. On the other there is a healthy Jacqui. Happy, loving life, LIVING life to the upmost enjoyment. I have to get a sledgehammer and knock down this wall. I have hit out a few bricks. Slowly working on it. One day it will be just a pile of rubble.

On a happier note, My friends mum came around for a few games of cards. We were talking about her daughter being pregnant, and what shes going to do, and a whole lot of things. She had her first ultrasound today. She had trouble keeping the water down for it, but from what she could see, it sounds like TWINS!. I know it’s very early in the pregancy, to get too excited, I mean shes only 4wks, but I’m actually getting excited about it, and what if its TWINS! that is.. like .. WOW. For someone that said she was never going to have any kids, to having two in one go! big jump. BIG BUMP! She only small, shes going to be HUGE!!! I’m glad that i’m feeling excited about it. She deserves it. We’re going to meet up tomorrow and hang out for a bit. I want to re-afferm our friendship. We have sort of lost touch a little, due mostly to her working and spending almost every day at her boyfriends. Not that i’m blamming her for loss of contact. I mean I could have called her anytime. I guess we’ve both just been a bit pre-occupied.

When my friends mum was around, she mentioned that here was some jobs going with Woolworths, but a the State office about 15mins away from where I live. The position is more secretarial, not the checkout, supermarket type. I don’t know if I should apply or not. I’m really conflicted. I need to go back to work, but I don’t know if I WANT to. Well actually thats a lie. I do want to, i’m just terrified about it. Terrified of rejection if I don’t get it. Terrified that I might mess something up. Just outright scared. Its coming up to a year since I quit my last job. Maybe its time.. Ughh I don’t know. Again that emotional wall is stopping me. I might check out the ad for it, and then think about it.

On a annoying note.. what the heck is going on with the DT site??? It sometimes says "under construction" and then sometimes work. Its been doing this for the last few days. If they are doing work on the site, can they please advise us when these updates/works are being done so I can expect it. grrrr.

 

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