I'm feeling kind of empty today. I've been feeling like this a little bit for over 2 weeks now, but over the last 3 days it's been really intense. I tried really hard to get into the Christmas spirit and managed to be "happy" for everyone during the festivities but I can't do it anymore. I'm too tiredto put that face on anymore for awhile.

I know I said that I was going on hiatus, but after thinking about it I realized I was doing exactly what the depression wanted me to do ~ isolate from my friends and family. It doesn't help me any because it leaves me alone with my thoughts, which time and time again lead me to thoughts about how depressed and bad I feel. It's an endless loop of misery if I stay silent. I guess I'm just ashamed of not being well. I had hoped that when the dr. switched me onto a Bipolar medication regimen that I would miraculously not feel awful ever again. Such a naieve notion. It's amazing what you can talk yourself into believing when you're desparate for relief.

Christmas went okay ~ my son was in Heaven with all of the cool presents he got (and he still hasn't gotten the best 2, we're holding those for his birthday on the 30th) and everyone got some really nice things. I got a new camera that will allow me to learn how to take almost professional quality photos (something I've wanted for a long time) along with beautiful jewelry, clothes and expensive egyptian cotton sheets. All of it was nice and really thoughtful. My Mom even got the 3 of us a basketball hoop so we can play here in the yard instead of having to go to the park to play. That was really kind of her.

I just don't understand why I can't be happy lately. Even just a little bit. Yesterday we had to go to Aaron's Mom's house (the in-law that I don't get along well with) and do our Christmas with them. I almost begged not to go because of how I've been feeling, but kept my mouth shut because it was important to both our son and him. Maybe I'm too hard on Pam ~ she does try, sort of. I'm trying to make myself go with my family when they visit her, but I tell Aaron that I don't want to be there long before we even get there. Small increments of time with her are all I can really handle. The whole thing turned out alright and we had a nice time. She was a little sore about the fact that we didn't go to the family Christmas party, but even she was unhappy about having gone. Too many people showed up that weren't invited, drama between a lot of the people there, and of course the b.s. over the chinese gift exchange game. (It used to be fun but people are ruining it by giving junk instead of presents.) Apparently there was no communication aboutwho was going to bring what for side dishes, which really aggravated her too. So even she couldn't be too mad at our absence.

Like I said before, now it's time to take care of me, and being around that side of the family when they're all together is toxic for me, so I refused to go. Aaron never did tell her the truth about why I didn't go ~ he lied and said my Dad was coming to visit that day and that he had to work (true) so he wouldn't be able to be there either. I guess he did it to cut the animosity down between his mom and I.

I actually considere writing a letter to be read by everyone at the party about why I wasn't there. But knowing them they'd have just booed me and and shredded the letter. Whatever; I didn't write it.

On to more positive things though. It's cold here! Yaaaay! Right now it's 45 degrees and sunny out, it's gorgeous. I have some errands to run today and it will be a nice day to wear my new sweater. 🙂 I really don't feel like getting dressed today, but I'm going to make myself anyhow.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday, and if not, are enjoying the fact that it's over with. Hugs to everyone.

Love ~ Key