For at least the last month now my daily thinking has been dominated by suicidal thoughts, literally hundreds of them daily during times that I'm awake. I have researched various methods and fixed on one which seems to be pretty painless and certain. Getting hold of the chemicals that I'll need will be pretty long winded and may take some time but there does at last seem to be a way out of this non existence that has become my life. There are some logistical problems that I need to look into such as a way of saying goodbye to people who care about me in such a way that they won't be able to act to prevent me going through with it, I'm sure there is some way of getting an e mail to send itself at a later time or something like that. I also have to warn people not to try to enter my flat without specialised hazmat clothing and breathing apparatus. Luckily I have a porch with two sets of locking doors, the outer of which is clear glass, so posting a warning sign shouldn't be a problem. I'm not in a position to go through with this plan yet as I don't have the raw materials but I envisage being able to execute the plan in the next six weeks or so. If I were to tell my doctor or psychiatrist or friends and family that I'm thinking this way then I've no doubt that I'd be committed to hospital, but what would that acheive? I'd be confined and looked after for an indeterminate period and ultimately discharged and then I would only begin to feel the same way again before very long. The last time I came out of psychiatric hospital I had hopes that I could claw my way back into life, back into work and so on. It has now been 4 years and 8 months since I lost the plot and gave up on life. There have been periods since then when I thought I might be able to make life viable again but for over a year now all I have been able to see ahead of me is a life which will become more empty, meaningless and just downright painful in a psychological sense. The purpose of this blog is really just to vent these feelings, to communicate them to people who I hope won't judge me in an effort to feel less alone and isolated with my thoughts. I thank anyone who has read this.

3 Comments
  1. Emma 10 years ago

    Hey Hun, So sorry that things are so shit for you, I can't do or say anything that will help resolve these feelings but I would like you to know that you have helped me through some rough times when I have felt isolated and alone,and that I am grateful you were there for me…maybe you're of more significance than you give yourself credit for. Sending you huge hugs,Emma. x x x

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  2. cleopardi 10 years ago

    u cant do this u have to hang on things can get better. please don' do anything to yourdelf there is help and hope.  please get back to me and let me know ur alright…cindy

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  3. richharp 10 years ago

    I'm prettty new here.  I have suicidal thoughts constantly but I wouldn't act on it because I've heard that it's the worst thing you can do if you at all believe in any kind of afterlife or karma.  But if you don't I don't want to push my beliefs on you.  It does seem that at least on DT you have some friends who don't want you to do it.  And I – even though I don't even know you, I would be sad if you did it.  Depression does SUCK I agree and I haven't found the answer myself.  Coming onto DT helps some.

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