For at least the last month now my daily thinking has been dominated by suicidal thoughts, literally hundreds of them daily during times that I'm awake. I have researched various methods and fixed on one which seems to be pretty painless and certain. Getting hold of the chemicals that I'll need will be pretty long winded and may take some time but there does at last seem to be a way out of this non existence that has become my life. There are some logistical problems that I need to look into such as a way of saying goodbye to people who care about me in such a way that they won't be able to act to prevent me going through with it, I'm sure there is some way of getting an e mail to send itself at a later time or something like that. I also have to warn people not to try to enter my flat without specialised hazmat clothing and breathing apparatus. Luckily I have a porch with two sets of locking doors, the outer of which is clear glass, so posting a warning sign shouldn't be a problem. I'm not in a position to go through with this plan yet as I don't have the raw materials but I envisage being able to execute the plan in the next six weeks or so. If I were to tell my doctor or psychiatrist or friends and family that I'm thinking this way then I've no doubt that I'd be committed to hospital, but what would that acheive? I'd be confined and looked after for an indeterminate period and ultimately discharged and then I would only begin to feel the same way again before very long. The last time I came out of psychiatric hospital I had hopes that I could claw my way back into life, back into work and so on. It has now been 4 years and 8 months since I lost the plot and gave up on life. There have been periods since then when I thought I might be able to make life viable again but for over a year now all I have been able to see ahead of me is a life which will become more empty, meaningless and just downright painful in a psychological sense. The purpose of this blog is really just to vent these feelings, to communicate them to people who I hope won't judge me in an effort to feel less alone and isolated with my thoughts. I thank anyone who has read this.