There is no easy way to go about changing things in your life that have had a negative inflence on you. The main problem with this is that most of the things that are negative are also things that you care about, or people that you care about. I used to think that, if something was fun and it made me feel good then it must not be bad for me. Recently though I have come to ralize that this was a huge mistake on my part. That's not to say that everything that I enjoy doing is bad, but I do need to re-evaluate some things in my life and see which things are harmful and which things are helpful. Friends and family are helpful to a degree. Everyone needs a good support system in their lives so long as those people within your support system are providing you a positive outlook on this. This is more true for those of us who suffer from depression, no matter how severe or mild that depression may be. Surrounding yourself with negatives in life will only continue teh cycle of negative thinking. At least that is my opinion anyway. So how can one positive change have such a dramtic negative impact on me?
Well, here is my delima. A friend, and we were call her June since I don't want to use her real name and this is the month of June, it seems to fit lol. well June, has been a very good friend for the last couple of years and she has helped me through some very rough times. Recently though June has been going through some of her own life trials, dealing with teenage kids, relationship issues, finacial issues and things of that sort. I do feel that she is depressed, definately stressed out and I urged her to see someone to help her through her problems. I have done as much as I can to listen to her, be a friend and over my advice on certain situations but when she won't take that advice, won't raise a finger to improve her situation but constantly wants to complain about it, it becomes extreamly draining. I know that sounds bad and maybe I am not as good of a friend as I should be, or not as good of a friend as she wants. She expects more from me than I am able to offer her right now and I don't know what to do to be the type of friend that she needs. I hate to sound selfish, but I do have problems of my own and constantly being in the middle of her drama is taking its toll on me.
I spend three week in a psychiatric hospital a few months ago after suffering a nervous break down and it nearly destroyed my relationship with my partner. Since then I have been working hard to mend the trust that I broke, fix things with my teenage son, and dealing with two younger children who have developmental delays. It's been a difficult road but I really feel that I am making progress. Recetly though I began having set back in my depression. Having crying spells, days where I feel worthless, unable to function and all I want to do is sleep. I have started seeing a counselor again and my Doctor has adjusted my medication but I also need to "adjust' my life. One issue that I have found is that June is so increadibly negative all the time. Her facebook page is full of pictures and status updates about how she hates this person or that person, remarks about her being a b***h and if people don't like it they can "F" off. Posts that are just full of cussing, bashing, complaining and nasty sayings.
June herself is a wonderful person and I love talking to her and being her friend. I want to be a part of her life and I want to be a support to her when and if I can, but what I can't do is log onto my FB page everyday and be bombarded with her constant negativity and hatelful thoughts. I am a very dark person, I was into Goth for many years, and it is so easy for me to fall into that dark, evil, horrible place again. I just chose to avoid things that will get me into that kind of a mood, so I unfriended her on FB. I tried to explain to her the reason for this, it's not her as a person, it's her negative posts. I told her I still want to be her friend, and I want to be in her life, I just want to communicate with her in a differnet way. FB is not that big of a deal in my opinion, its a social media site, its not the entire world. She has my e-mail address, my home phone number, my cell phone number so we can text. Why is FB so important?
She told me that this was a slap in the face to her and that if I was going to act this way then she would take her negativity and leave. After that she blocked me on FB so that I could not respond to her message. I figured she was hurt, angry and confused and once she had time to think it over she would message me and if not, then she really wasnt the friend she claimed to be. Instead of messageing me, she went to my partner, e-mailed him and told her sob story to him then accused me of being too much of a coward to talk to her and running away instead of facing her and telling her what was going on. Okay, I am confused. I deleted her sure, but she could still e-mail me, but she was the one that BLOCKED me. My partner e-mailed her back and told her this very thing, he said that he was not about to stake sides, not to ask him, that is she wanted to discuss this with me then to unblock me and talk to me herself and not try to get him involved. He also told her that as far as he was concerned she and I both were acting like imature jackass's and needed to grow up lol. Idk If I agree with that or not lol I'm just confused. This was a good way to vent and I feel better for having gotten it off my chest.
Wow. Number One. Where are you? Where are you? Who are you? I would like to know personally… because I think somewhere in all this chaos is a real person that has tremendous potential! If it is true what they say, that our environment is a direct product of our own mind, then all you need to do is re-set your mind. There are many tools to do this. It is kind of a pain in the well, you know… but it does work, just like when Cesar Millan goes "tschutt" to get a dog's attention… sometimes you need something just to snap you out of it…. I think that is what you need. Re-set. Start over.
My "disclaimer." I am not a doctor and so do not believe a word of anything I may say. But here is what I think. If you do not stand up for "you," who is going to? No one. That has been my experience. You must set rules, boundaries and limitations… (Cesar reference again.) Until you do, no one else is going to respect you, the "real" you, who is getting squashed up into a pile of mush on the floor, with all due respect… What I am trying to say is that you are a beautiful wonderful person, a young woman of tremendous talent, that has no idea where to take a breath, a moment of peace, because somehow you have become surrounded in a lot of issues.
I strongly suggest that you find a place that is yours, and yours alone. It could be the top of a dresser. You could put only certain things there that help center you, that make you feel good. Like a notebook and a pen so you can write things down the old way… 🙂 A few toys or pretty things, like an altar, where you can put fresh flowers, or keep bottles of special scents or incense… you get my drift… Sometimes I surround myself in art, so that I can feel all the emotions that each artist gives away in their work… it makes me feel not so lonely… and if there is anyway you could, I strongly suggest water therapy. You do it for you. It is your special time when you have a place and a time to relax and not worry about anyone or anything. I know you have children. But surely there is a way to find a sitter even if it is for 3 and a half hours each morning…. think how great that would be? If you really wanted it, you could find a way to barter or trade to get it. I do not have children, but I do have pets, as I am a new "foster" mom for animals that were destined to be put to sleep in shelters… I love them all and I couldn't imagine life without them, but sometimes I have to have time to myself, where I put down the computer for a few days. I even deleted my facebook page just a few days ago myself. Too much drama and I can't keep my mouth shut about controversial subjects so I thought I better go anonymous, go underground, so I did. I made up a name and gave her a fake email address and now I have gone underground. No more trolls, no more idiots from Bumf*ck Romania or Cambodia or Nigeria, or Pakistan, as I am tired of being hacked – it is not fun… hahaha
It's really quite simple and very rewarding. Be who you are! First you must figure that out! (the hard part) The Good News is that it doesn't matter if you don't know, you can create a whole great new experience if you learn a little management skills and learn when you need to ask for help. You cannot let yourself be drawn into extranneous melo-drama from other well-meaning friends, because if you let them, they will absolutely DRAIN you! It is true! You sound very empathic to me, which means you are easily attached emotionally, and you need to learn to set your boundaries about that. You should not assume any guilt at all. It is non-productive totally. You are brand new today. And you can play the cards of today in any fashion you choose. But always take care of yourself first. And if you need help with getting things in order, start right away chipping away the extra muck you don't need, be it people, things, junk, obligations, debts, whatever, just get rid of it. If you are homeless and have no place to live, you could be no worse off. Starting over means you can create anything you desire. You must prioritize what is important to you for your own survival. Without you whole and healthy, no one else can benefit and you will have nothing to give them. You are out of balance, dear one. You have to claim your right to have balance again, and it isn't personal and do not let anyone try to put that silly guilt trip on you. It doesn't wash anymore! hahaha