Hi my name is Julie. I was born in a small not well known town in texas. I moved around a lot as a little kid. Im not going to say my life was childhood was bad, but it really wasn’t so well. I had experienced a lot at a young age.

My father was super abusive with my mother. He was really tough on my sibilings and I as little kids. I get flashbacks sometimes, and it makes me feel all over again. As if, Im in the moment. The pain, the emotional confusion. He had suffered from PTSD from going to War. My dad would hit her in front of us. I wish i could’ve done something, ya know? My parents started doing drugs. I can still remember really bad moments where it was just too much. The thing was like, i didn’t know how to feel. One moment he was good and everybody is happy and then another moment he would be the one person i wish i didn’t know and everybody would be so crappy. I never understood what was going on exactly, except that “my daddy was mean” My mom had gotten so depressed she became so skinny and cut herself in front of us.

At age 10 my parents separated but still faught. My mom moved to a different state to live with her girlfriend and we stayed with my dad for a couple months. He was still the same although he tried to get helped. He refused it. Didn’t believe anything was wrong. Soon me and my two sisters moved two Virginia to live with my mother who was happy (At first). It turned into an abusive love/hate relationship. They broke up after about 3 years.

I moved back to texas before the beginning of 7th grade. My dad and mom started this custody battle thingy which was really frustrating. I became really sad. All the time. I hated everything. I couldn’t stop asking myself why i was so damn sad. I started self harming. and never ever felt right. I would cut myself like everyday in 7th grade. My parents were aware too, but didn’t do much but tell me to stop and threaten to take me to a hospital. They thought it was for attention. I felt like such a burden. I soon went to a therapist after a nurse saw my arm. Didn’t last long, i soon stopped seeing one after that. But they diagnosed me Bipolar & Depressed.

It continued to 8th & 9th grade, I attempted suicide in 9th grade. Wrote a suicide note. Didnt got threw with it, but still had cut myself. Then I tried to take pills which i threw up.

My dad & I got into a lot of arguments and fights. Both having problems, we bumped heads a lot. We had two physical fights. He would make me want to kill myself constantly. I hated him for a long time.

Soon after that, it got so damn terrible. I became super suicidal. Everyday i wanted to die. I never told anyone, because who would believe me. CPS got involved for some dumb reason (someone made up some stuff to get back at my family) And the lady who asked me questions asked if i was getting help, because she saw my arm (has scars)

The lady had told my dad that if i didn’t see someone, i was going to be taken away from my parents. So my mom took me to a counselor lady near by. I didn’t want to but i did. Like what was i supposed to do?? Lie? I was really scared. So i went, And when i started talking to her. I instantly started crying because it was just too much stuff i’ve been holding in. She automatically said that i needed to get inpatient help.

Later that day i was taken to a hospital. Where i’ve gone too, four times.

Ive selfharmed sense but I’ve been doing really good. It’s been almost one year since i’ve been in the hospital. And I’d say i’m doing good. I was going threw a manic episode for a while.

I wanted to write this blog because sometimes i feel that the way i feel is, stupid. Sometimes i feel like being sad is not okay. The way i feel is crazy And i’m tired of feeling that way. I want to feel that, this is normal and i can get threw it. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I want other people to know, that it is perfectly fine to not feel okay. Or feel like, life isn’t for you every once in a while. Or maybe, even having weird thoughts or extreme thoughts that you can’t begin to understand. It is all okay. & I want to show you why. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to and feels they can’t talk to anyone else, i would love to be your go to.💛💛

1 Comment
  1. allthisfog 4 years ago

    We have different histories but I can completely relate to the way you are feeling now! I used to self harm (I would scratch my skin raw) It has been ruffly 6 months since I have self harmed and it is still the first thought on my brain when things get bad. It is has been a constant struggle to try and find a different way to deal with my thoughts and emotions. I too feel my way thinking is stupid, that I should be happy, but it never seems to work out that way. For what it is worth, I believe you deserve happiness! I believe you deserve the life you dream of! I believe you are capable of achieving the life you dream of! I believe you are more than your negative thoughts! Much love and happy thoughts sent your way!!!!

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