Mind is seemingly going a million miles an hour. Thoughts of this that & the other.
I think I dragged myself thru yesterday. Weather didn't help, rainly & dreary. Not sure where my head was at but I know it wasn't a happy place. Went to Walmart with J after work to pick up lots of stuff. Nearly told him that I was concerned for my mental state but I chickened out.
I didn't want to go thru the questions of what's wrong. He would most likely want specifics that part of me feels like I've given him before or that I can't quite name. I also didn't want him to feel guilty. Didn't want him canceling his plans to fish with Jason this morning. I don't think I'm completely to the point that I would do something "stupid", but truth be told, thoughts pop in on occasion. More or less those of self harm.
I made a "deal" of sorts with myself. That if I can get thru the majority of the day without "issue"…aka feeling like I'm going to have a melt-down, then I'll chalk it up to bad days/hormones. But if I start feeling like I'm going to be swallowed up by the abyss, hanging on by my fingernails, doing something "stupid"….then I'll say something later.
Okay, maybe a little dramatic, but suffice to say…that's it in a nutshell.
I think I feel fairly good about today. Nervous, yes. It's just now 7am and I need to shower, tidy the house, hang birthday decoration for Sam's party, make mac salad…..all the while overseeing the 9 kids in my house. And no, that doesn't include whatever kids show up for Sam's impromtu party.
I feel a little bubble of panic if I think too hard on it.
One day at a time….sometimes 5 minutes at a time.