I realize I've sort of been ranting about one misfortune. Basically I have just been coming in here to kill time until I can put my plan in motion. But if even my close friends are sick about hearing about my relationship troubles I am sure I am making a huge withdrawal here from great people who don't even know me and can't help me and were done hearing about it before I started talking. This isn't helping me get over it or teaching me to relate to people in any meaningful way.

I went and took a nap thinking of these things and had a terrible dream, the first girl I wanted to marry who actually reminds me most of this spoiled sheltered girl I've pinned my future hopes on was on a boat with me. It wasn't exactly a cruise ship but had sleeper cars like a train. I guess we were supposed to be on our honeymoon or something? Or maybe just trying to patch things up. I know I had won a free room but it was just a bed in the basement next to this kiddie pool with some penguin or something jumping around so I screamed at the porter to switch my room and he did but I think he charged me full price.

After socializing with some interesting people, in the middle of the night she came to my room, where we utterly failed to consummate our love due to a certain tightness. I went downstairs and all the floors were falling to pieces…every simple action put me in peril of sinking into the murky depths…

I went into the common area (strongly resembling my bedroom) where we'd been socializing with people before to get a rootbeer and the entire floor just tore up and gave way and I had to climb out. I mean there wasn't much to the boards underneath, they were pretty much all rotted away and fell to pieces at my step, but in this area I destroyed even the provincial surface they'd placed over it to keep people from falling in.
Well I don't need to be Freud to figure out I'm on poor footing relationally.
Just going about my business I'm tearing all of the social spaces apart. I was an idiot to think I could improve my situation with a relationship above my station. I will probably end up with someone even poorer than I am and any attempt to bear children will plunge into financial ruin. I can't even get my file out of the chexsystem and I have proof I paid a collection agency in full.
I guess unless I win the lottery or make an offensive book into a Hollywood blockbuster I should just forget about ever living in a house once my family sells this one out from under me and should probably just go with my last known Plan A and join the Army while my credit report recovers so at least I will come out of the next four years with my school paid for….or at the very least instead of wasting my life give it up trying to protect the people I care about who don't seem to want me around at all. You know, whichever…it makes no difference

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