Oh my Tirbe…How nice it is to have all of you.here 🙂 Life is such a work in progress…constant change with the healing, and growth….

All those times
That I've tried
My intentions
Were full of pride
And I waste
More time than anyone

TIs amazing what can be said in a song…and the volumes it speaks…I am not too sure where I want to go with this BLog, other than my rambling and sharing with all of you and myself…I try to place a perspective on my current place in the universe…Overthinker….I have been called on many times in the last few days…It amazes me how I can make something out of nothing and let it rule my world my life my mind and my actions…It will stop me dead in my tracks…I am your Text Book CODEPENDANT..I was one way Before I became an ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC.  I wish someone had let me in on it…though I would not have listened…who am I feeling…I like knowing I do not have to live and react to things the way I always have…(Oh I still do react like a FUCKING LOON half the time…) But I am learning that I have the abgility to change that and though it may never go completely away I can manage it and have a number of positive friednships etc..maybe even an actual relationship at some point 🙂  Those are pretty cool things…For a bit this week I was rather fearful of much of what I was feeling from the sence of being "out of control" DUh the problem more so being that I can not control a number of things…But in my head it was almost like an OCD or sorts bordering on mania…(here comes the overthinker..LOL) but I actually an just a fucking human with not a single unique problem that no one else has ever had…My fear with the "Mental Disorder" was that if I medicate, which I had for a long time both under medical care and then I "ENHANCED" my treatment with Alcohol and Drugs.  But I thought that if I go back to meds I risk numbing what I am trying to deal with right now…as it is uncomfortable and I dislike some aspects of it just because it is not going my way (ahh the little kid inside is ready to clench his fists and stamp his feet) .  Everyday I do not Use…is a good day…and I see my life getting better..When Using  I was In the middle of what I thought was beautiful and love and my everything, I was living in a hollow shell of  exhistance..I can give it the acknowledgement of what it is and what it was.

I sat and picked strawberries with Tim yesterday, and I rambled…at one point he said to me "you overthinkiing rambling motherfucker" I am gonna call you "BUtterfly" cause you are at the mercy of the wind…every breeze seems to blow you into another place…crashing from one topic to another…Never getting that straight line of flight…trying to squeeze a lifetime into a simple 30 min conversation…I kinda wanted to punch him in a good way, we laughed pretty hard…He is a good "friend" in my life right now…I still am learning what it is to be a friend to someone and also to have someone be one to me. 

Life on Lifes Terms, I use that statement alot.   Because I do not currently have some coping mechanisms, lifes terms BLOW…My mind says lifes terms are unfair and my Sobriety should fix all that…LOL  when in all fairness..life is good…as I have said I make it out to be way harder than it needs to be…I have put the Bat down alot over the last 24-48 hours…Just have not needed it…no wait I have not DESERVED IT…Prob never did, Forgiving myself for what I have no control over is just another form of insanity in my mind…How can I take control of somethign that wasnt mine to begin with or even place ownership on it yet, I have/had list by the ream….Gotta get rid of the rest of those…

Yes this is a marathon entry…HAHA… If I write it I have something to go back and look at…my little slice of therapy!

I have been looking at relationships and friendships lately…thinking that i am the best person to be in charge of that for ME right now.  when I say that I mean I know my boundries and what I do not need in my life (drama, people who want to save me, people who are not a good influence on me. those who want to "screw me" to sobriety) I see my sparkling brutal honesty is creeping out.  So last night…I went and had a wonderful time with a friend (possibly one who may be on the above list) and we watched Gran Torino, had subs to eat at 2:30AM I was laughing, not stressing over anything..worrying about everything that I think is fucked in my life…I was nice…it was peacefull, at some point though I decided to be vocal about what I thought should happen next ( like a natural progression)…I was pretty straight forward about wanting to be with her…Apparently It was not what I really wanted though…or so I found out…As I realized I could not provide what the little lady wanted or desired, she said maybe " I just dont do anything for you" at first I thought WTF I mean we spent all this time together and it was wonderful….talking, listening, laughing just being me.  Wait…WOW you mean I dont have to take every friendship with a female to that "level of intimate closeness…and that I can care about someone with out that? and its ok?  That was nice to realize.  

 I have a long road ahead of me…I see that my life is full of so much right now I need to step back and breathe deep and let it happen…

I will end with this…

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.