WHEN I FIRST GOT SOBER I CANNOT REMEMBER ANY OTHER EMOTIONS I FELT OTHER THAN ANGER, RAGE AND FEAR. THEY HAD BEEN THE MOST PROMINENT EMOTIONS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. MY WALLS OF STONE WERE ETCHED WITH THEIR NAMES I HAD NO CONCEPT OF SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, FEELING THE EMOTION OF LOVE WHICH I WAS TOLD ENVOLVED WARMTH.I HAD NOT CRIED FOR SEVERAL YEARS OTHER THAN THE DAY MY SON WAS BORN. I ONLY KNEW HOW TO LASH OUT AT THINGS I COULD NOT CONTROL. THAT WAS HOW I WAS RAISED. TO BE A FIGHTER. AFTER I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR APPROXIMATELY NINE MONTHS I REALIZED THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS TO FEEL,TASTE,SMELL AND JUST BE IN AWE OF. I BEGAN REALIZING SADNESS WAS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE TOUGHIES. GRIEF WOULD BE A BATTLE BECAUSE I HAD ALWAYS DRANK AWAY GRIEF AND ALL ITS COUNTER PARTS. I FEEL GRIEF TODAY ALONG WITH SADNESS.
MY MOTHER DIED APPROXIMATELY FOUR YEARS AGO FROM A MIXTURE OF ALCOHOLISM AND LONG TIME ABUSE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. SHE HAD GIVEN ME UP TO MY AUNT WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN AND I TRIED DESPERATELY TO NEVER FORGIVE HER BUT AFTER ENTERING THE PROGRAM (MY FIRST TIME AROUND) I BEGAN REALIZING SHE HAD BEEN STRCKEN BY THE SAME DISEASE I HAD. BUT IT WAS NOT FOR A VERY LONG TIME DID I FEEL THE URGE TO FORGIVE HER. I HAD ALSO DISCOVERED ABANDONMENT TO MIX WITH MY FELLING OF ANGER.
AT THE AGE OF 29, I HAD PICKED UP A LOT OF THE PIECES OF MY BROKEN CHILDHOOD,MARRIAGE AND HEART. I WENT TO MY MOTHER AND WE SAT AND TALKED FOR HOURS. WE IRONED OUT THE WRINKLES AND SHE GAVE ME ANSWERS THAT HAD LONG ESCAPED ME. I RECORDED EVERY WORD. I LEARNED WHY SHE CHOSE NOT TO KEEP ME. I LEARNED HER CHOICE HAD POSSIBLY SAVED MY LIFE. I WAS GIVEN STROKES FOR MY ABILITY TO SURVIVE. I WAS GIVEN BACK A MOM AND A FRIEND.
WE REMAINED FRIENDS UP UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED. I WAS FORTUNATE TO HAVE KNOWN HER AND I WAS FORTUNATE TO HAVE BEEN IN THE ROOM WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH. I WAS FORTUNATE THAT OUT OF ALL HER CHILDREN, I HAD NO REGRETS. I MISS YOU MOM AND I WISH YOU WERE HERE SO WE COULD SET AND DRINK COFFEE,SMOKE CIGARETTES AND I WOULD EVEN LET YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SOAP OPERAS, WITHOUT GIVING YOU A HARD TIME.AND MOM, YOUR DEATH WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN MY RETURN TO SOBRIETY. YOU DIED SO THAT OTHERS COULD LIVE AND ONE OF THOSE OTHERS WAS ME.
R.I.P. THELMA JEAN :angel: