Knowing death is near can be comforting at times and beyond frightening at others. I'm not suicidial. Been there done that, moving on. Self-pity, same spiel, but I still fall into that sometimes. Not facing what is wrong, now thats something that's hardly been done. Not as deep as I should have done. One really has to explore the innerworkings of her complexities before she is able to figure herself out. Even then I am usually left sad, hurt or confused. What have I really accomplished then?
"No…no….no….no!" I'll keep screaming it until it seaps so far into my bloodstream, I can't live without those words.
I don't know…
I just don't want to know.
I want to feel as piece.
I limit myself, by my expectations, by my self-doubting, by my constant worrying and thinking. There is no what if for me. I close myself off so I won't need to question. If I'm safe in my box, then I know that's all is important. If throw caution in the sewer and just let myself be free, I wouldn't be free at all. It would be recklessness talking. I can't seem to distinguish living my life from one extreme self-ridicule to another. There is no happy medium for me right now.
Power is an illusion until you make it a reality. Self-control is possible, but the cost always seems too high. I am free right now. The right music is on and I am finally making a dent in self-critical mood. Just as easily as it comes it goes. How do I maintain that softness? I have to keep going with it and not be afraid or not believe its not real. That's when it truly wears off.
Have I made any sense? Some, only to myself I'm sure. I smiled, a weak one but a genuine one. That's a start for me tonight. There is no one to please, not even myself. Only item on my agenda or anyone's should be to live, love and smile their most genuine smile.