I don't think anybody is going to read this… this seems like a big site and I'm rather miniscule… But if somebody does…
I feel so sad. I've always felt sad. The stress of school is just able to hide it, but its so hard when you do one little miniscule thing wrong and then your parents complain that you are turning into your drunk, lazy, high brother. And then they get mad at me for staying in my room to much, but I like it in there. I feel safe, and content. I don't really have any friends who live near me and I can see, so I'm really lonely a lot of the time.
Two of my brothers are leaving soon and I'm terrified. The majority of my llife I've always been left alone, My parents haven't taken notice to me unless I am trying to commit suicide or doing something wrong like getting an 86% in math. So I've grown rather independent. And I've heard the way they yell at my brothers, and I don't want that to happen to me. They (my mom, my dad is much better), don't really care what I want. It's always about pleasing them and not making myself feel happy. My entire family are superficial, stereotypical, conformists and they are mean. I fear that I am going to be mean and bitter like my mom and I don't want to be.
I'm constantly confused about my religious beliefs. And I'm afraid I'm a slave to sin. I try to change, but I can't. It's like there is a mole digging it's home in my heart and it hurts and I've become the sin and I hate it.
Im so sad and tired and they all expect more of me than I am capable of. Even people I don't know! They expect me to be funny and awesome like my brother. But I don't want to be like him. He's mean.
Let go of what everyone expects of you. Because in the end, it only matters if YOU are happy with yourself.
Yes, you're probably stuck where you are right now, but focus on what's going to make you happy. If you like being in your room, maybe you're an introvert, roll with it, but make sure that if you're lonely you at least find the people you can fit with. And don't worry so much about what your parents think, they're just people too.
Keep in mind my advice is imperfect, but if you let what everyone else thinks get to you, you become what they want, not what you want.
I understand, If you wish to talk, drop me a message.
I also hid away in my room when I was your age, and did so until I moved away from home. My own parents didn't give me a reason to want to be in their company. They made life difficult, for reasons different than your own.
I can't do much in the way of telling you how to survive your home life until you are able to move out yourself, but I do want to talk to you about SIN and your religious conflict.
What most people consider SIN is just human nature. We can never be perfect and where RELIGIONS fail us is by condemning us for falling short of perfection. They are obsessed and consumed with the struggle between good and evil. But what is "evil" is necessary. It provides balance to life. Good & evil, light & dark, negative & positive.
I don't want to get started on a sermon, but I will make one final statement. Don't be confused between RELIGION and SPIRITUALITY. They aren't the same. If you'd like to talk more about what you're going through or what you're feeling, please drop me a line, any time. I have plenty of time to talk and share my own experiences with you