My name is Layla. I've pretty much been an addict since I was thirteen. I am now 20. My mother recently died of a Methadone overdose. I took care of her body and the funeral stuff b/c everyone else was either too high or it was too painful for them. Messed up thing was that I was hooked on the same drug she overdosed on. I tried to kill myself in February with a cocktail of pills. Surprised, I woke up the next day and decided to try and get clean. I came off everything cold turkey on the 26th of February. I detoxed at home. I knew what to expect, I went through withdrawals every month b/c I'd run short with my script. I went into the only rehab center my crappy health care would pay for. Better than nothing I guess. I left that place after four days. I was exposed to more drugs there than I was at home. A few girls offered me pills and some kind of powder. I didn't take it, fear of getting caught and not knowing what the stuff was.

Up until last month I was doing pretty good. Yes, I did slip up and get into my dad's pills (That he also abuses), but I was hanging in there and keeping a positive attitude. On my birthday I went to visit family in another state. Messed up big time. Took pills, smoked weed and drank. I gave away a lot of my medication so I naturally ran short.

I have an auto-immune disease called Secondary Sjogren's syndrome. I was born with arthritis and scoliosis. The pain and the Sjogren's keeps me extremely fatigued beyond belief. My family doctor who knows my situation very well prescribed me Adderall 30mg XR. I got it in April. I was dispensed it and took it the way I was supposed to, but on my next script (filled out of state) I took more than needed and gave away a bunch. And then again this month I abused it. Tomorrow I will take my last dose till I get my next script on the 26th. I don't know why I even abuse it, it doesn't get me "euphoric" just a little talkative. And sometimes I just get really tired and would take a nap. I told my grandparents (my support) that I was thinking of not filling the next script if I thought I could go without it and be able to stay awake. They want me to stay on it and let them dispense it to me and hide it from me. They say that it does help me out greatly when I take it like I am supposed to.

I just wanted to keep up with my friends. They all could stay up passed 8pm and jump out of bed. I kept popping more pills trying to keep up. I feel like a fool. My friends really don't accept my limitations and I really don't let them know how bad I feel so it's not their fault.

I've suffered with depression and mental illness my entire life. I am being treated for it now. In the past I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, GAD, panic disorder and recently PTSD. I suffer with major depression every day and random spells of pure agony and fear. My doctor says it's the PTSD and that I have to see the therapist for her to further diagnose me. I see the therapist on the 17th. In the past I would start to feel better, so I'd leave the doctors thinking I was cured.

My dad is a drug addict. I rarely see him sober. He pushed drugs on me and thinks it's the coolest thing ever to smoke weed and snort pills with me. I don't do that anymore but I did it when I was younger, like 15 and 16. My parents basically let me start abusing my pain pills when I was really young because they were also drug addicts. My mom had a lot of the same issues I have. My mother was a good woman, she just couldn't say NO and my dad supported the idea of being high. He would always tell me as a kid how being sober was stupid. Now that I am trying to get clean, it seems like he tries to bring me down and remind me of how great it feels to be high.

My dad has a lot of issues. I will not go into all of them right now, but right after my mom died he tried to kill myself and him while he was drunk driving three times. Nearly killed us this last time, so I always check for bottles and the smell of achohal before I get in the car with him. He just can't be trusted anymore. He lives with his mom a few miles away and I live with my grandparents. I am trying to get my GED and go to college. I do not want to be like my father! And I don't want to be dead like my mother! Please, someone help me!

I pretty much take care of my grandmother full time. She is eaten up with diabeties. I love her and she and my grandfather support me 110%. I will not go back to rehab. I will not leave my grandmother again. She wasn't doing too good when I got home and it had only been four days. I am going to try and do this at home. I am more than willing to go to N/A meetings. I live in a big city and they are all around.

My gameplan is to stay away from my dad. Tomorrow I am going to clean my room up really nice and create a clean enviroment for myself and find some N/A places around here. I go and see my head doc on Friday. She is going to try a new anti-depressent on me. She knows all about all of this. I am going to focus a lot of my attention on school and writing. I just plan on keeping myself busy and committed. I take my last dose of adderall tomorrow.

I've been taking around 100mg to 120mg of adderall since the 26th. Never tweaked like I've read other people have done. No ticks. No paranoia. Just a little energy. I don't have much of a tolerence since I've only been on it since April and in May I only took a few. But I realize at that dose it can be tough on my health or even fatal. I have till the 26th to figure out if I think I can go on without the drug. I will have to wait and see. I do not take pain killers anymore. It's so hard. But it's not as bad as the fatigue. I hope I can do this and would really like to get any support I can get. I know statistically I'll fail and probably die an addict. But I have beaten odds before and I'm hopelessly hopeful. I want to get better. I want to be sober.

Sorry for my poor grammar and bad spelling. I am really tired from a long bad day.

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