I don't think anybody is going to read this… this seems like a big site and I'm rather miniscule… But if somebody does…
I feel so sad. I've always felt sad. The stress of school is just able to hide it, but its so hard when you do one little miniscule thing wrong and then your parents complain that you are turning into your drunk, lazy, high brother. And then they get mad at me for staying in my room to much, but I like it in there. I feel safe, and content. I don't really have any friends who live near me and I can see, so I'm really lonely a lot of the time.
Two of my brothers are leaving soon and I'm terrified. The majority of my llife I've always been left alone, My parents haven't taken notice to me unless I am trying to commit suicide or doing something wrong like getting an 86% in math. So I've grown rather independent. And I've heard the way they yell at my brothers, and I don't want that to happen to me. They (my mom, my dad is much better), don't really care what I want. It's always about pleasing them and not making myself feel happy. My entire family are superficial, stereotypical, conformists and they are mean. I fear that I am going to be mean and bitter like my mom and I don't want to be.
I'm constantly confused about my religious beliefs. And I'm afraid I'm a slave to sin. I try to change, but I can't. It's like there is a mole digging it's home in my heart and it hurts and I've become the sin and I hate it.
Im so sad and tired and they all expect more of me than I am capable of. Even people I don't know! They expect me to be funny and awesome like my brother. But I don't want to be like him. He's mean.