I'm so tired. I have no idea what to do anymore. I have 10 days left in Korea, and I have to say I'm not happy here. It was a good experience but I do not belong or excel in such a conservative country (I'd probably do better in Europe). But once again I'm heart broken. In the middle of my trip my boyfriend felt the burden of the long distance and was quite depressed. He told me he needed space but could still talk to me. So I gave him his space, I figured that if I went through the pain of not talking to him that he would come back to me refreshed. I asked so many people for advice and they told me to give him space and not to talk to him, that he needs to think things through.

Yeah I guess he thought things through. In the matter of 5 days or so he "lost" his feelings, or at least thats what he told me. I feel so rejected so empty. This happened a few weeks ago, and it hurt but I kept pulling through, I only fell off the horse once but it wasn't bad. My physical scars will heal, yet my heart or at least what is left is incapable of anything… I'm so numb. I really hate this. I'm trying to enjoy my time abroad, I travel and explore the country but he's always on my mind (either the main subject or in the back of my mind). I feel like nothing, like a piece of meat. So many foreign guys here express interest in me, but I want none of them… they aren't him. He is such an unexpected person to fall in love with. He came into my life and swept me off my feet… I've never been happier. I thought he could possibly be the love of my life… but he left me.

I wrote this cluster of crap (poetry) and I'm finding it hard to pull through:

Is that what I am?
What I mean to you?
Where were you,
when I was pouring out my heart?

What I did wrong,
I do not know
Questioning everything,
so confusing.

Each breath and beat
More reminders of my loss
Did I even have you,
before I lost you?

My only,
The only one
My only love.
I am dead to myself


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