Jolen stopped over for a few minutes…  She called first so I was fine with it…  She knows I don't like people to just show up.  I'm weird like that, I guess.

 

Cirena and I went geocaching.  Found four out of five.  I kept getting a head ache but it didn't last long and my stomach hurt…  I think because before we left we got into an arguement.  And I don't even know why it happened…  I was looking something up on the internet because I wanted to know.  And she asked me WHY and I said because I can…  Then she said WHY again…  And my response was because I wanted to…  Then she got mad at me and tried to make me feel bad.  So I flipped out…  And when she went outside to get in the car I knocked over the chiar because I was pissed off…  I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway.  Kept tring to tell myself not to.  Then I get in the Jeep and try to let it go.  But she starts in on WHY again and I tried to ignore it.  But she wouldn't be quiet.  Then she asked me if I grabbed the papers…  And I said I never had them, you did.  And she said why do you have to say it like that and I asked like what…  Then she got out and slammed the Jeep door.  So I went for a walk because I was pissed off and I didn't want to scream at her…  Then she comes outside and demands me come back.  And I ignore her.  Then she got in the Jeep and I saw her so I figured I had two choices I could continue to keep walking or wait for her to pick me up…  So I stopped, and I took a deep breathe and got in the damn Jeep.  Then she starts in on how I should feel bad…  And that pissed me off and I told her to stop it…  Then asks why again…  SHUT THE FUCK UP LEAVE ME ALONE.  I didn't say it at first.  I asked her WHY she decided to wear a blue hoodie and she said because it was the first one she grabbed…  Then I said WHY did you grab the first one…  Then she said because she wanted to.  So I said WHY…  I know I was being an asshole.  I kept telling myself to be quiet…  Finaly I just gave in and apoligised…  But it's like what was so fucking wrong with me looking something up on the internet.  It was a song for fucks sake…  Why do I need a fucking reason???  Anyway, she then says WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A GOOD DAY?  You always have to ruin it…  And that pissed me off even more…  But I kept telling myself not to scream at her.  Which I ended up screaming at her to shut her fucking face up…  And now I feel bad.  Which I apoligised for that too…  But I just don't understand…  Can someone tell me did I do something bad?  Because I feel bad…  Was it my fault?  Did I have to have a reason to look up a song on the internet?  I don't get it…  I'm confused…  

 

And the other thing I did when we were driving I tried to ASK her why it was so important for me to need a reason to look up a song on the internet, and poked her in a playful way, because she kept giving me dirty looks, and beeped at someone…  and she said because she wanted to know WHY.  Then she slammed the Jeep door when she got out to go into the store.  Is because I wanted to know not a good enough reason?  I was tring to find some peace in it but it just didn't happen until I apoligised…

 

And the other thing that made me mad today is I have my chat turned off on facebook but for some reason it keeps getting turned back on.  And I'm not tring to sound like a prick, but I feel like one, but I don't care, but I feel bad at the same time, if that makes any sense…  But Mindy, keeps iming me asking me if I got her messege…  Well if you sent it, then chances are I recived it…  If you didn't hear back from me it's because I didn't want to respond to it.  Which it is about this guy we went to school with, and he got killed in a car accident…  Look I already know, I don't need to hear it agian.  Leave me alone.  I don't want to talk about it with you…  And I feel like such a ASSHOLE.  But it's like why me?  If I am not responding move on to the next person that will talk with you about it.  I DON'T WANT TO…  And there is no nice way to say that so I ignore it…  Turn the chat back off and wait for a fucking message in my inbox…  That I don't respond to.  I'm not comfortable talking about it, especialy since it was a car accident that caused it.  And it's like most of the time I can just think to myself whatever but certin things just piss me off and I can't control it.  And I'm sorry.  Now I feel bad.  I hate feelings.

 

And I did quite a few rituals today and kept telling myself to stop it…  And now Derick is calling, icing on the cake.  Which I am not answering it.

 

And Yeah I had a shitty day but it was fun at the same time because I went geocaching and it was fun after I apoligised for what I have no clue…

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