The past couple of days have been stressful for me . I usually am very careful about how many things I commit myself to , but I had the chance to get some real hours at workthis week soI filled in forsomeone out sick , plus my scheduled hourstoo . I also took onanother privateviolin student starting this week . 3 isn't many , years ago I'd have a studio of about 10 to 13 students each week , but I don't have the same capabilities of handling stress like I used to . I used to thrive on it; now I haveto avoid it because it's one of my triggers . I guessit was atrigger for hypomania then too , I justdidn't realize it and the episodes weren't as advanced .

So I got this call around Wednesday that was completely unexpected . . .they conductor for the Brevard Symphony Youth Orchestra ( a really big orchestralorganization that I actually used to playwith when I was in middle/high school) wanted to know if I'd be willing to comeuptoday and do 3 hours of sectionals with the viola students from all 3orchestras . I was blown away . A friendand co-worker of mine from back whenI was teaching orchestra in the publicschools had recommended me to him as a wonderful violin/viola teacher that did exemplarywork and loved the kids . I would be paid $30.00 per hour for compensation .

Imust have listened to that message 3 times before it sunk in . They wanted ME to come up and teach ? Really ?!First exaltation came at the fact that I was still considered a great teacher after all these years by my peersin the orchestral scene here , even though I haven't been teaching in public schools since 2006 . That made me feel great and gave me a lot of hope that eventually I might be able to return to the life I had to abandon so long ago when the bipolar took over during and after my pregnancy and then decided to stay and raise hell with my life for the last 7 years . I've decided though that I'm going to see how this year goes before thinking about returning to teaching orchestra in a full-time capacity . The new medicines I'm on have really reduced my symptoms and made my moods mostly manageable .It's been 6 months orso since I started them , and I want to see how I'll do through the next12 or so beforeI make any big commitments withteaching . It's a lot of stress .

So anyhow I called the conductor of the BSYO backand told him that I was definitely interested and to please callme back with the details . I didn't hear from him . While I was disappointed I was also secretly relieved because it would be thefirst time I had done this in 7 years and I was terrified of havinglost my skills and making a fool of myself in front of my professional peers .

Well , yesterday I gota message from Mark saying "We're looking forward to seeing you tomorrow ~rehearsals willbe at such and such … etc. " . I freaked out . Icalled him and asked him to PLEASE contactme asap because Ihad some concerns and questions first . Hecalled me back and reassured me that everything would be fine, and that I'd do well . Then he sent me an email covering what music we would be working on but no attachment with the music so that I could study it before I worked with the kids . Panic set in ~ I'm a perfectionist about my work and hate being unprepared . So I spent half the night lookingup the piecehe mentioned , then had to buy a digital copy of it that I printed out right then . I spent the next hour running through it on the violaand markng the problem areas .

The next part was the worst .I recently rearranged our apartment downstairsand gave away a LOT of clothes and toys and other unnecessary items that I no longer had use for . During that clean out of the apartment I had put away a bunch of teaching materials that I had no immediate need for , and that included my conducting batons ( you know those sticks that the guy in front of the orchestra waves around ? ) . I needed them for the rehearsals . I spent 2 hours tearing apart all the boxes and drawers and even the stuff in the garage… all to no avail . They weren't anywhere ! By this point it was after 10:30 at night and I had to get up by 6:30 a.m. , and I finally called off the search . I had decided I would just have to do without . But Aaron knew how important they were to me , so even while I told him to give up he kept searching , rechecking every place I had already been . I had decided I was just going to go to bed , that I shouldn't stress myself any more than I was . But as I was brushing my teeth I heard him say , " …and how much do you love me ? ". In his hand he held out my conducting batons in their case . I ran to him and hugged him so hard and started to cry . . . only he would understand how important they were to me .

So I finally could relax some and felt like I could possibly sleep even thought I was nervous .So a little before midnight I fell asleep .

This morning I could barely eat because of fear and heavy anxiety. My Mom even suggested that maybe I should cancel , but I refused . I didn't careif I ended upthrowing up breakfast from nerves , I was going to do this ! I dressed professionally , did my hair , my make-up , ate breakfast and fed Zachary too , tried to calm myself for about a 1/2 hour on the porch being quiet watching the sunrise progress . Then it was time to go . It was a long drive , but I was antsy to get there early .

I was welcomed back to my music world warmly and kindly . I had a great time working with the kids and teaching them , and was actually disappointed when the 3 hours were up . I said goodbye to the kids and my colleagues and thanked them again and let them know that anytime they wanted me just to give me a call . I drove home exhausted , but really proud of myself and the fact that I didn't alllow the fear to own me today or keep me from doing what I love .

So other than that I came home and slept hard , woke up and realized I had caught Zachary's cold , and then made dinner for everyone . Now it's time to go celebrate with some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream ! 🙂

Goodnight all , and I hope you all have found an accomplishment of your own that you're proud of , even if it's something as simple as doing the dishes , taking a shower , or getting out ofbed . Every step forward is a step in the right direction . Love you all and hope you all are well .