I just closed out a chatbox with a customer service rep from my credit card company. Owing to Hurricane Sandy, I missed a couple of my proctoring gigs, which meant that I wasn't able to make my (growing) minimum payment last week. When I finally mustered up the cojones to actually look at the statement last night, my heart, stomach, and intestines all did a slow roll inside my ribcage. The late fee was insane!

Anyway, the person I spoke with was compassionate and reversed the fee, and agreed to sweep the minimum amount out of my account today. I am truly grateful.

But I also feel like a schmuck. I am 38, with an Ivy League B.A. and an M.Phil. (soon to be a PhD) from a highly respected school, and I am still relying on my parents' help (ach, the guilt!!) and scraping my pockets to make minimum payments.

I am not materialistic, but this is frightening. I've always believed that with my skills and interests, I'd need to hustle to gain a foothold in this shitty capitalist system of ours. Thing is, I used to think I could hustle, and even that I might enjoy cutting my own path. But now I just feel tired, unmotivated, and good-for-nothing. I doubt my ability to do even the most menial of jobs. (My current job is pretty menial–a far cry from my previous writing and editing gigs.)

One glint of light: after making a sincere vow to clean up my diet five days ago, I am starting to feel the effects, most notably a clearer head. This is great news. My brain haze had gotten so bad, I was actually beginning to suspect a neurological condition.

I am so eager to heal, but so afraid to move ahead. I know that there are others here who find themselves in that boat. I want all of you to know that I am pulling for you. For all of us.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    It is absolutely amazing, how lnon processed, whole foods, and fresh vegeables  behave like miracle drugs, on the body. When compared to the fast food, frozen convenience dinners, which drag the body down, cause us to mindlessly overeat and cause insulin jags. It is true we can make ourselves ill, eventually killing ourselves with food. 

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  2. landscaper 8 years ago

    i`m pulling for you Hun,always… (((hugs)))…

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