14.5.20

I want to write this down while I am feeling strangely (given the circumstances) calm and nice.

It’s so weird; it’s like anxiety deals in all the “what ifs” and catastrophising, and in all of that you fear you won’t cope- but right now a huge anxiety provoking thing*

*(my boyfriend, who “can’t deal with my past” and last year almost broke up with me twice due to struggling with knowledge about my prior relationships  has, irony of cruel ironies, ended up with a new job on the same team as the guy I dated before him- who given the nature of the relationship (a rebound fling type thing), is a time of my life I’d rather forget).

has happened and… I’m feeling okay. Mildly anxious at times and surprisingly calm at times too! It’s almost as if my body and mind has accepted- Oh, one of those deeply distressingly worrying things you’ve always feared you wouldn’t cope with is happening right now and look, you’re still here! You’re still in love, you’re still together, and even if this situation has the chance of changing that- right now it hasn’t and you’re actually coping!

I just lay on my back on the grass watching the clouds, and I thought to myself that no matter what happens, I’ve experienced true love with my bf- and the love I have for him isn’t conditional or dependent upon whether or not we stay together. That was a nice thought and feeling and enhanced my inner calm; of course I’d prefer for us to stay together, and I’m sure I’ll even get anxious again frequently about the possibility of that being taken away… BUT even if the worst happened and it was taken away, my love can’t be. The fact that we’ve loved each other truly, deeply and unconditionally won’t be changed by any outer circumstances. So, for now at least, I feel surprisingly calm about what may be.

15.5

I feel weird. It’s like I’m worried/concerned, but don’t really FEEL much apart from exhausted and sleepy. Things that would normally spike up anxiety or upset/paranoid thoughts aren’t- for example, bf has chosen to eat his lunch upstairs with the door closed rather than take a break and have a lunchtime together. Okay, fine… normally that would make me feel anxious he’s purposely avoiding me, but today I just think- if that’s what he wants then okay, whatever the reason. It’s almost as if I’m more accepting- instead of actively trying to control everything and prevent ‘bad things’ happening- because this thing (new job) IS happening, I can only really control how I deal with it myself. And for me, that’s to carry on as normally as possible, and not freak out if he does become distant- because that doesn’t mean “the worst”; we all need space and time to reflect sometimes. And even if he reflected and decided he can’t deal with this and doesn’t want to be together, well, I choose to be strong and accepting. If he genuinely can’t accept my past and keeps suffering because of it the relationship and I will also keep suffering- and neither of us want that. I’m prepared to deal with all my anxiety and worry but there has to be a point where we get past all this and it doesn’t keep affecting us so much. I keep holding on to the ‘friendship love’ and the ‘true love’ feeling and the fact that these don’t depend on any outcome, on whether we stay together or not. They are just as is, and nothing can change them, and that gives me strength in these troubled times. Even if the relationship itself doesn’t last, we did have a true love and though I’m unsure how I’ll get over it, I’m determined that I will not let a breakup (if it happens) keep me down.