i dont know if i am slowly losing my mind, or my way reacting over multiple small problems. i feel very lonely most of the time, but i am exited that my friend from other city is coming for chrismas. every day, at some point i think about love "what if?" i cant stop thinking, but i dont have the "detecting" women who wants to talk or something, or no one ever has. everytime people see me i just think bad thoughts like, "why in the hell are they looking" " why are they laughing" and in a negative way. but sometimes i envy them, not to think that way and enjoying life.
i have had 2 appointments with a psykologi, i was suprised how she is kind, and she is hopefull. i am afraid that she wants to meet my parents and have a session with them, she asked if she could but i have only told my friend Petri and my oldest sister about my pills, session and depression. my psykologi has cancelled 3-4 times and i have missed an appointment, she hasnt called now i think she forgets me as all my friends and familie does.
i never want to go to church, espicially in chrismas. i hate meeting someone i know, and there is alot of people, and ofcourse i dont belive in god. i always do it for the familie, but now i am just tired and want to leave everything. the wierd thing is that some part of me enjoys some company, and someone i know even though i hate it.
i always feel they are dissapointed, those from each 3 schools i have been, and my familie, even though they dont say i can see thier face that i am a mess, lost and depressed.
i just, was hoping on that someone will help me little, but i see no solution only to adapt with depression.