sorry… i just really need to get this all of my chest right now… it's a lot but i don't care… i don't even know if i can cause i'm about to cry, and when i get that far gone there's no reviving myself :/ … i think the pills wear out at about 9, i can always feel it, and everything settles in and gets worse and worse until i end up breaking down, usually at this time…today was of the worst… broke down on the bus ride to school… just like i used to… i couldn't even consider going to class, so i skipped… just like i used to… what's happeneing? i'm afraid the stupid medication isn't working… i know i only just started taking it, but i'm anxious and afraid that it won't help at all, then i'd have gone through all this for nothing… i don't have anxiety, but i've also been noticing how anxious i've been about some stuff since i started on these anti-depressants… perhaps that's just another side effect, perhaps that's only coincidence, i dunno, but it sucks. for example, i'm starting to freak out about something i was too depressed to care about previously. last year i thought i had fallen in love with this guy, and i don't even know exactly what happened other than the fact that nothing happened. all i know is that it hurt worse than anything, and i had broke in two, and i don't think i'll ever find that other half because of him, it was just so increadibly painful and though i don't blame him and i know it wasn't his fault, i don't think i'll ever fully forgive him… anyway, so i actually started talking to him this year and most of his friends are mine to and so we hang out a little and stuff, and i was like not being myself at all, just the obnoxious dumb annoying pathetic bitch that i sometimes pretend to be, and i got over the whole last year thing completely and we were fine, i never even thought anything of it… until now… i hate this so much, because i know where it's headed. i think it may be that i've somehow managed to have gotten my stupid f*cking hopes up just as i had last time… i'm again feeling what i felt every time i look at him or he looks at me or when i hear him laugh or see him smile… it's killing me, tearing me apart from the inside out all over again… but… there's nothing left of me to tear. this is just the thing to fianlly push me over the edge. if this were to have the same outcome which i'm certain it will, if i fell all over again and crashed, shattering even a fraction of how i did last year, i know for a fact that this time i literally wouldn't be able to survive it. it would be way too f*cking much, i just know it… this is just the thing to do it, to leave me no choice but to end everything… i only managed to survive the heartbreak last time because i don't think i really knew what was going on, or i was just in such a daze that i really didn't understand anything at the time, or something… but now with all that i'm going through, everything inside and outside and just everything… no. i can't do this. i won't live through it, and i don't even have the will to want to. help… i don't know what to do or how to escape this unessacary pain, and i'm slipping, sinking even lower into these knives of depression and with all else that's going on… oh God now it's getting to be too much and i'm only going to break down again so i can fall asleep in the tears on my pillow and wake up to the same f*cking thing i go through every day, only worse because i know how completely and entirely alone i'm going to be, trapped in this place that i escaped to and still hate, but i can't go back "home" because i don't f*cking have a home and if i can't leave this place, this town, these people soon, the only other option is to end it for good. because there is nothing but constant excruciating pain, and there is no one and i don't care about anything anymore, and i hate everything and everyone and i need to escape by all means… i'm done. i can't take any of this any more… i mean, these pretty little scars imbedded in me are no longer comforting, the piercing sting of a blade no longer brings satisfaction or temporary escape or anything, yet i still need it… everything only conjurs more and more tears and pain and hurt and i. can't. handle. this. sinking under, deepdeepdeep down into the darkness i've become so familiar with…


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