blah. . i hate jealousy. . . yet i’m always jealous of everyone. Last night, I went out with my roommate and my best friend Theresa (sort of. .lol). Theresa is having a terrible time, she’s pretty depressed alot, but she has no problem expressing it, but then again she’s lead a pretty icky life so she has a reason to feel that way. me on the other hand, I get depressed and nobody knows it, if i don’t talk about how i feel people tell me it hurts them i can’t talk to them, but when i do. . . they blow me off or tell me i’m stupid blah blah, i’m so jealous that Theresa has can express her feelings and everyone at work worries about her and are always asking me how she’s doing even tho they’ll see her that day and ask her. . i just wanna scream at them sometimes and be like “WHAT ABOUT ME!?” but i can’t. . . i have no reason to be depressed or anxious. . . i just am. and i hate it. . . i’m sorry i’m so jealous of Theresa’s depression. heh, but then if people did actually treat me the way they do her. . i would feel guilty that i don’t deserve it. so much guilt and jealousy. . blah, go away! heh. . .

I’m listening to Jaci Velasquez right now:
“Do you feel you’ve been disowned,
Left outside in the cold and without a home?
Do you think that no one cares
That you’re lost and alone and without a prayer?
Don’t give into the lie that there’s no one you can turn to.
Don’t lose heart, there is hope,
There is someone who will never desert you, oh.

If this world is a lonely place for you,
Fall into the arms of love.
If this world is a lonely place for you,
There’s a God who you can trust,
Who’ll comfort you and lift you up.”

i wish i still believed that. . . I feel guilty for losing my faith too. *sigh*

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