Maybe a month or two ago I was strongly questioning on this very site about the issues I was having regarding girls. I feel like that's common place with me, never knowing where I am in that regard. I think a lot about my feelings towards women and those desires, and I just wonder how it may or may not differ from other guys my age.

I recently have dated some, but nothing big. Just singular dates. Never ending great. The most serious thing recently was another girl somewhat pursuing me, and the date being a bit lukewarm and her telling me she doesn't have time for a relationship.To be honest, probably a relief. But it makes me sad that I'm not experiencing crushes or feelings like I used to. Thing is, I wonder if I ever will. When I was around 15 I fell hard for this girl and she lead me on so hard. The heart break was killer. Worse than my first relationship. It was pretty much what pushed me into seeking help for certain issues…I knew it wasn't normal to feel that way. I was obsessive-compulsive and in highs and lows throughout our time together, and I wanted to know why (unfortunately the bipolar wasn't treated for years later).

After this, she did it to me again. I was a bit more forceful in my "you're a bad person" and let it go. But, I started dating a girl soon after, and broke up with her soon after. Her mother caused issues with me for awhile. Unfortunately, since then I feel like I've never had another connection with someone like that. My next relationship was online and long distance. She had a lot of issues and sometimes would name call and was neglectful in playing the break-up game. For the beginning it was honeymoon-ish, but not long. She played mind games. My next relationship it was like a friendship, but I never built a connection with her. I just feel like I can't.

For some reason, I feel like I'm ruined. As if I cannot have a good connection with someone, it's strange. And lately, I have no desire to seek anyone out, or be with anyone. I am attracted to people, but it's mainly at small intervals of time. I get bored of people. Maybe I've become loving of the idea of freedom. Or maybe I feel like I cannot find someone who would compliment me. I've questioned if maybe I'm on a spectrum and I build relationships more on personal relationships and not sexuality (although I could never be with a man, there is nothing appealing about that to me).

This idea has come up to me lately because in relationships I've had the issue of people pushing for sex and I've just pushed away. I don't want to yet or I'm very low drive. I've had two amazing bonds in my life with people and they weren't immediately based on attraction and sexuality. I loved them because of how we bonded over ourselves. How we laughed together and interacted. The first girl I think I loved, she wasn't appealing to me very much but I found her beautiful. People often tell me she's quite homely. But I found her beautiful and that was that. I was so connected to her, spent all my nights and free time with her sharing my thoughts and dreams. I never knew you could feel that way with a person. It wasn't that lusty sexual stuff. That makes me so disappointed when it's just that.

The other girl, I met her in a therapy group. She pops in and out of my life on occasion. I think she was probably true love. I don't know. She is conventionally attractive, at least in my mind. But, I liked her because she had an akwardness. Our first day we met, we passed notes about why we were there. We just bonded. Recently we got together again and spent time cuddling. That first kiss was the most passion and anticipation I've ever felt. It hurts that it happened. I was 17 again. OR something. But, it's like I said. I think I'm different. Maybe I need to accept it, and stop looking for things.