Therapy is coming up again this morning.  I wanted to read back on last week\'s blog to refresh my memory.  It made me so glad I\'m writing this blog.  One, because it\'s hard to remember the thoughts and feelings you\'re having in a particular moment especially when they are calm and introspective, and not filled with anxiety, fear and pain.  Two, because some of the people on this site are dynamite at giving helpful and supportive feedback.  Thank you!

 

So, pain. Another event happened for me yesterday.  My mother was thinking about going on a road trip to visit my siblings in a couple other states.  I asked her a few weeks ago to let me know when she was planning on going because I\'m fairly free and would really like to go.  Well, she left a brief, vague message about going ASAP yesterday morning.  I called her and she is not only leaving today, early, but wants to go for about 10 days and wants me to be "flexible" about when we\'re coming back.  I had to tell her I couldn\'t go and I could tell she was disappointed.  It was really hard for me to disappoint her, because she\'s been a lot more positive lately.  I was a little angry and sad, because I really wanted to go, but didn\'t have a lot of extra money, and didn\'t have as much time I could afford to be gone, and didn\'t have a lot of time to reschedule my appointments and let my new therapy group know I would be gone.  So, yeah, it gives me no time to prepare, emotionally, financially, or with planning my time to be out of town. On top of all this I\'m worried about her driving the 12 hours to get to her first destination.  She\'s done it before, but I worry about her a lot. She\'s a lot like a kid half the time.  I cried a little once I got off the phone, and expressed my feelings to my husband.  She\'s on the road as I type this, and I\'m thinking about calling her today to check in. 

 

On a positive note, I had an appointment with an advisor at the Art Institute of Portland on Friday.  It went REALLY well.  I was very impressed with the school, all it had to offer me, and how concentrated and focused the program I wanted to go into was.  I\'m thinking about a BFA in Photography & Design, which I believe would prepare me for a few different career avenues to choose from.  It would give me a chance to be surrounded by creative minds, and give me connections through collaboration.  I\'ve been pushing back my desire to have a creative career because everything I WANT to do doesn\'t pay well, and pressure from other people telling me it\'s not good enough.  That has resulted in a lot of wasted time and money, and a heap of emotional stunting. 

 

I started college over ten years ago thinking about Graphic Design.  Factors did not fall into place the way I thought they should, and I didn\'t feel positively encouraged to follow that path. So, I stopped.  Over the years I have considered a billion different majors, and all of that did get me my Associate\'s(general with emphasis in Performing and Fine Arts), but everything after that was really scattered and unfocused.  A lot of credit hours and NO BA.  I\'ve wanted to be an "Artist" since I was in 2nd grade.  Over time I have not stopped creating, writing, capturing photos, painting, and exploring. I\'m gonna be brave and go through the steps to apply.  I\'ve looked at the BFA programs at other schools that are "cheaper" but their programs are not as specialized.  Their programs cover too much different stuff, or Photography is only offered as a minor.  But I want more.  I\'m really struggling between being frugal and being true to where my heart leads.  In the back of my mind, I hear, "You should pray about it!" I\'m not used to asking for guidance from above, even though that\'s how I was raised. 

 

Anxiety level 6: Lack of sleep/Insomnia, racing brain, chest tightness, mild emotionality.

2 Comments
  1. AngelHeart49 12 years ago

    I was fairly dependent on sharing the trip. I\'m low on cash and would need to split the price for gas at least. She was going anyway so wouldn\'t have made me pay for gas. *shrugs*

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  2. stopthetummyache 12 years ago

    I know what you mean! It\'s like, \”ask me to do something casually then make up all these impossible constraints and get pissed when I can\'t do it any longer.\” Logical Mom, and courteous, thanks…

    I am sure your time will come to study and travel and be at peace, unfortunately I have found that usually needs to come from you and you alone, because others have their own ideas about what is right for you and what you have to do.

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