I saw my therapist on the 12th and I'm going back to see her again on the 26th. It feels weird calling her my therapist or saying I'm going to therapy but that's what she called it. It kinda shocked me. She said, "I think it'd be good if you committed to coming to therapy" and I was like whoa…therapy…

I'm going to try to open up to her but I'm afraid. My home life has been a mess for as long as I can remember and I never really tell anyone about it. When I was 13, I didn't really eat much. It lasted nearly a year and I was so tired all the time. I cried every day for hours at a time. I think this is when my self-hatred started. The pain just builds, the anger grows. I always feel like I've "lost". The people who write mean things on my door don't care. They don't feel bad, they take pleasure in causing me pain. The fact that I can't get back at them makes me feel like I've "lost" and causes me to feel humiliated and helpless. I always feel this way.

I dislike how I dress and how I feel. I spend too much time on stupid stuff. I talked to my boyfriend about it tonight and we made some progress. I realized that I need to play WoW less, I need to find a way to pass the time more appropriately. When I'm in-game, I gogogoggogogogogogo! I don't stop. I complete a quest, run a dungeon, blow hundreds of gold on leveling my professions when it isn't necessary or smart – because I can't stay still, not even in a video game. This leads to a problem in real life – I can't stay still in real life either…and I binge as a result.

I never really thought about it until I went to therapy. They made me fill out a form to update my information and I really thought about my answers. When I got to one about my eating habits, whether I'm happy with them or not, I said no. When asked why I was visiting, I checked off the eating habits/disorder checkbox. Not because I was classifying it as a disorder but because I was listing it as a problem with my habits. But when I told my therapist about it, she said that she didn't think it was an eating disorder "yet" but that it needed worked on.

I need to be more productive with my free time. I need to read, I'm sorta working on The Reality Dysfunction by Peter Hamilton and it's a really big read. He throws out insanely complicated words that somewhat muddy his ability to tell what is a rather interesting story. But I still want to read it. I picked up knitting but dropped it again. I have a guitar but don't know how to play. I could watch movies, clean up my room – that's a big one, cleaning my room. It clears out my mind. I have a yoga mat but don't know how to do yoga because the DVD it came with sucks. By the time I get into one position, they're on the next one. Forget about stopping to tell you what to do…

Oh well, I gotta get my act together. I'm sorta looking forward to going to therapy. I scheduled an appointment before I left because I told my therapist that if I walked out of her office without an appointment, I wouldn't call back to schedule a follow up so I think she'll keep on me and make me reschedule before I leave from here on out.


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