Right now I'm sitting on the porch with my kitties and listening to the frogs singing in the trees and the pond, as well as the crickets with their soothing chirps. It appears I have made a friend with a gecko~ every night when I do this routine of coming onto the porch and writing or blogging he shows up about a foot away from me. My lamp apparently draws an easy dinner for him.

Another strange day. I've spent most of the day doing nothing except reading with my foot propped up, and taking a nap in the same manner. I did take my son to his first day of 1st Grade, and I was so proud of him. No clinging, no crying, no begging me to stay~ just a big hug and a kiss and a, "Bye Mom~I love you!". That gave me so much relief, especially after the several last weeks of his Kindergarten year where he was stressed and upset so much about going to school that he was making himself sick. Now that I look back I realize it probably had a LOT to do with my emotion/mental state. I was doing very poorly but was trying to hide it from him. The day he had his Kindergarten graduation ceremony was really rough~ that evening I admitted myself to the hospital for the first time. It's scary and amazing how well they can sense what's happening, or at least when things aren't "right". I really believe he knew I was very ill.

I'm a bit disappointed and aggravated~ the dr. didn't call today about the x-ray results or my podiatry referral. As much as I love and trust my doctor it's getting to the point that she's so overwhelmed with patients that things get overlooked, problems arise because she forgets to chart things because she's trying to fit too much in with too little time for each patient. Several years ago it would have been different, when she was part of a group practice. There were more nurses and staff to help her get everthing organized and going smoothly. And then add on top of that the fact that I have to drive 35 miles one way just to go see her. I think maybe I need to ask her for a recommendation for a doctor that she trusts and is closer to home. I'll be sad about it; the small staff she kept when she opened her own office are my friends, as is she in a way. But we no longer live up in that area anymore and haven't in almost 5 years. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to call in the afternoon if I haven't heard from her office by then, and ask for a specific podiatrist that's in the neighborhood here. And I'll call the insurance company to find out if I can go to a specialist without a referral. I can't spent much more time off my feet~ I need to work because we need the money. We're living paycheck to paycheck right now on just my husband's income, and we're really scraping to get by. The money we spent to go to Orlando was some we had saved up for exactly that purpose. Right now we're down to $60.00 in our account, and tomorrow I have my psych testing, which will take about half of it.

I'm blogging really because I'm having a VERY hard time doing what my therapist suggested~ not having contact with my Dad. It's so screwed up; why do I keep going back to him? Once upon a time he was a goodfather, and it gave me enough time to truly love him before he took off. After that he changed so dramatically, and became so critical of everything that I couldn't do enough to make him happy.I guess the hard part formeis that I believe somewhere in that tortured angeryman ismy Dad, the one who would take me out to stargaze on the beach at midnight and teach me the constellations, show me amazing things about space and nature, be physically affectionate and truly loving. Even then he was critical, but not to the pointhehas come to now. He apologizes to me when I do talk with him for being such a poor father to me, and that he wishes he could go back and do things differently and be the parent I needed, but then he'll turn around like Jekyll and Hyde and tear me to shreds about an idea he disagrees with, or something as ridiculous as the kind of make-up I chose for the day. But the worst is seeing he's going to be the exact same way to my son, his only grandchild, and the only grandchild he'll ever have because I was his only child and am not able to have more children now. How could you be like that to a child so young and loving? I just can't understand, and while I might put up with his bullsh*t there's no way that I'm going to let him do that to my son.

But still~ he beckons me with his silence. I haven't taked to him in over 2 weeks now, almost 3. Every time I look at the phoneI think about it, how much I want to hear his voice and recieve any love and support he'll offer up, even if it is paltry. All my life I have been chasing men that are just like him, and in doing so almost ruined my marriage and my life. Not to mention what it does to my self-esteem. It's so stupid! Why do I have this need to condemn myself to love a man who doesn't really know how to love others? I need to grow up and accept that my father is not well mentally, and it manifests itself very strongly in his judgement of other people, things, situations, etc… He's also convinced that the world is coming to an end soon. He tried to convince me to buy some land out in the middle of nowhere that my husband and I could build a house on by ourselves and raise our own meat and crops. This wouldn't be so bad if it were just doing it because we wanted to live like that. But instead he is convinced that the government is going to take all of our rights away completely, and anyone who doesn't submit to the authoritarian rule will be considered dangerous and a fugitive. He's also convinced that "the mark of the devil" has to do with Obamacare (I won't get too deep into it) wanting to possibly implant a tiny chip with all our necessary medical information on it, and that if we receive the "mark of the beast" then we're damned to hell.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning Christianity or anything of the sort~ I am condemning that fact that he has created these delusions in his head about how the world will end soon, starting with the downfall of the U.S. democracy. While it's possible, it's not very likely to me. And I am condemning the fact that this behavior has played itself out over and over again, like a broken record. We've gone through this so many times now that I'm scared for his own safety and sanity. There's a huge difference to believing something logical and realisticor faith-based even;but where he is is paranoid and delusional.

How do I make it understood that I still love him, but have to keep mydistance for my own sake, as well as my son's? I don't want to hurt him, becauseIDO love him~ if notfor what hehas become then for what he once was.

Any suggestions on this? I'm at a loss.