I am seriously tired of bein a freak, I am! Fucking hell, there has to be a way to be normal. I hate having this illness, if I can't see the world in any good light, I wonder how normal people fucking feel!! I mean, it must be nice to be normal with normal family backing, with loving people in your circle. People think that normalcy is boring, fuck them, its a blessing.

I would love to have a safe job, a boring, beautiful house, a family that ACTUALLy cares about me a little too much, maybe a smothering mother who likes to call me when I am out on dates with potential suitors. I would love to have girlfriends to tell those date horror stories to, maybe meet up at brunch on Sunday and have girl talk, you know, boring shit, AWESOME shit. I want to be stressed out at job that I like where I have friends and stupid bosses we can complain about on happy hour.

I want to fucking finish school where the only thing I HAVE to worry about IS a job and it just being the right fit. I want to have the problem of wondering who to call in a vast network of college buddies and alumni, who actalluy give a shite about me. I want to be in a space where if shit doesn;t add up I have a nice, warm home to go back to when my parents would get on my nerves. I would give anything to have THOSE problems, to BE normal.

This depression shit is exhausting and it gets tiresome by the day. I wish I HAD the courage to end it all because I did not ask to be here or be this way. There has to be a way to end it all. There has to be a way to kill the self preservation impulse, I want to be FREE.