I know that nobody's life is perfect but I feel like my life is worse than other people's. I know I have a comfortable life yet I don't feel happy. I don't feel content. I feel like I can still be a better person yet more than half of my life I feel like a worthless person.

My parents had a huge fight last night. The worst so far, but this is only the third time. Other people think that we are the ideal family yet we have so many flaws. My father is a workaholic who thinks that eating out will hole up our bank account and an insecure mother who doesn't invite friends over in our house so I never really get to build a good set of friends who I can confide in during these rough times. If I am a good friend to someone right now, I've worked hard to be friends with that person because my parents never became a role model for me in terms of buidling rapport with other people.

I have two older brothers and a younger  sister. I look fine yet I'm the overweight geek in the family so I'm always the insecure one. I can still remember my brothers punching me so hard in my arms that would knock me off towards the wall and get really hurt in the process when we were younger and having arguments. And, of course, more than being physically hurt, I was hurt inside and I think that part of me will never forgive them for what they did. It isn't the case anymore but I've been damaged enough that I think a part of me can never forgive them for what they did. I blame those incidents for me not being able to express myself without crying or being reasonable in arguments, I think I have a subconscious thought of anyone I'm arguing with smacking in my face.

As for my little sister, I wanted to become the ideal "Ate (Filipino for older sister)" to her yet when we were younger, I've become my older brothers to her that they were to me. I once slapped her in the face while we were having an argument and I swear to God, I still regret that at this point in my life, although I never really got to apologize to her about it. Now, I think she is insecure about herself as well, but sane and content enough with her life to have many good friends. Right now, because of my depression, I don't think I can ever be a good Ate to her. I can only stay away and keep out of arguments in which I know I can hurt her in the process, not physically but verbally. After all, I'm the "smarter" one so that's one thing she thinks she can never be. If only I let her display her personality when we are with other people, I know she will outshine me. I want her to respect me not only as an older sister but also as an individual. Though I don't think I will ever earn it.

I also think that I've been sexually abused when I was a child. I've never been raped but an incident caused me to be sexually addicted now. I'm still a virgin but I do things that other people wouldn't think I would do. I hate that about myself. I am one person to other people and I'm another when I'm alone.

I also fear what other people think of me so I never get to express myself enough. I'm very shy at first but I'm approachable so I really get to become talkative once I've become close to a person. Until recently, some of my friends, commented to other people that I tend to display a facade, that all that other people might think about me is not so true. I am hurt about that but not enough to ruin our friendship because I know it is partly true. It may have been my decision to act like a saint in front of other people but I think that it's only a defensive mechanism so I wouldn't get to hurt so much if they decide that they don't really like the real me after all.

So, who am I? I don't know either. I am a lot of individuals. I am a gorgeous Hollywood singer/actress from the Philippines who gets to play award-winning roles. I am the piano-playing genius musician who gets to go to a European school as a scholar. I am the only the daughter of billionaire parents that would turn me over a huge amount of fortune. I am myself pretty, lookep-up and loved by people. I am myself winning hundred millions of money in a sweepstakes draw so I don't have to work anymore for the rest of my life. I am myself marrying a billionaire. I am myself, a career woman, a financial analyst or a CFO for a big firm and working abroad so when I get to take a vacation in the Philippines, I am the talk of the neighborhood. I am but none of the above-mentioned. I am a lazy big fat ass who doesn't sing or even knows how to play the piano. I am also nowhere rich and going to find a billionaire husband, but we can all dream, right? Although, I love to daydream as a way with coping with life and continuing on to pursue my dreams, sometimes, it's just too much and impossible that I myself know that I can never achieve this, so why still live? I know I am not suicidal but I am so afraid that I might be. What just keeps me out of that topic is a past realization that those people who attempts suicide are stupid because whatever problems they may have can be solved. I know that any of my problems can be solved. It's just now, I am so lonely and depressed and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I want to feel content and feel that my life is not worthless. I want to feel like anytime I can die peacefully because I know I have lived my life. I want to live my life.

That's the story of my "life" and I hope that by joining this community, I will really be able to live a meaningful life. Cheers to those who created this community and to other members, all I can say is I can't wait to know your story and that "We can all get through this!" 🙂