I have a yearning to write, even though I'm tired.  I don't know what it's about, I did know what it was about a while ago.  I forget easily, which is probably part of the reason I find writing so therapeutic.  Oh, yes, it has to do with people and myself.  [I guess I'm not a person!  (Or maybe I'm just schizophrenic.)]  And it ties into my experience completing the application form for occupational therapy two days ago, and getting to know Graham, a guy at work.  So there's occupational therapy on the one hand and Graham on the other.  (Yes I know this sounds strange.)  Graham seems to be everything I'm not.  God, he's hot.  But he's had his experiences.  So the reason this guy attracts me so is very dissembling.  I guess it has to do with being the opposite of my dad.  He's (Graham's) a rugged, blue collar guy; no prep university medical school stuff (although, he say's he's taking religion courses at the U of W), very intelligent, into books, and extremely easy to talk to.  I told him about my doubts about being accepted at the University of Western Ontario and as a result having to work at Subway.  But for him, it doesn't seem to matter.  And against my expression, he even said I could get a job in my dad's business if need be!  Of course, I don't think I could ever do that.  But the thought of it just made me feel secure.  It's like, I've already got all I need.  Nice.  And this is really it.  I love this depressiontribe forum, I love the feeling of belonging I get from expressing myself, from sharing with other people, and from them sharing with me.  The path in and of itself rocks and the idea of discovering more and more about myself is exciting.  I really don't think you can separate the path from the "goal."  So how does this tie into the University of Western Ontario?  Basically, the University of Western symbolizes (or at least used to symbolize) prestige of a select few.  Now a days, as Graham pointed out, a Bachelor of Arts degree is more like a commodity.  Which it truly is.  Maybe I'm just vain and ignorant (which is true), but a lot of undergrads you see now a days are all decked out in the same kind of fashion.  It's like they're not themselves. 

But then, a second half of me worries.  Worries about how much of it is me and how much of it is them.  I know I can learn things from these people.  I know they have stuff to teach me.  I just don't know how to go about it.  And for the life of me, I came across a guy who feels (or seems to feel) the same.  Now I'm just happy to get to know him.

So I guess the point of this post is to say I'll start with the social (my experience with Graham seems very social, relative to the rest of my life), taking care of myself and let it be at that.

If for some reason I experience resistance from mom and dad, I'll try to understand where their coming from because practically speaking they've had more experiences than me.  However, it will be me who has to take control of my life.

Although the fear of not being accepted at Western is still there because of regret of how I lived my past, doing things on whims and all and then being paralyzed by those whims to act and, thus, think, again, it has no bearing on how I feel and what I do right now.


P.S. I'm not tired anymore!

P.P. S.  This guy's real name is not Graham.



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