I don’t know why I keep doing this.. writing that is.. Maybe its in hope that someone reading will find some solace in the thought that there is someone who is just as messed up as themselves. I know that’s what I did.
Well I have almost finished my bottle of wine now, only have a few big swigs left so I’m trying to make it last as long as I can.. Knowing me that will only be a few minutes. Ohh well.
I have gone through a mixture of emotions tonight. From sadness to anger to rage to sadness to now.. now is nothing. Its been a crazy crazy night.
When I’m writing my blogs I often wonder if anyone actually reads them. Its not that I care. Just wondering. I wonder if there a lot of people like me who read others blogs to find an answer to a question that has been burning in their heads. That’s what I do. I just like to know that there is someone out there going through the same stuff, and is surviving. Half the time I don’t know if I’m going to make it through the night so seeing others come back day after day is kind of re assuring.
Its now 310am and my eyes are burning. Its been a long night. A very long one. I will have to go to bed soon. I’m kind of disappointed in myself that I drunk, but then again I’m even more disappointed that I didn’t get soo drunk that I passed out. That’s pretty messed up right?
Its very cold here tonight, yet I’m struggling to keep the blankets on. I don’t want them on me. They are keeping me strapped to the bed. I need to feel free. I’m not free. I may live in a free country, but I’m not free. Depression keeps me trapped in an airtight container. I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating and no one can help me.
Depression is a very lonely place. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to live on an island in exile. Then I can only mess up my own life, and not anyone else’s. I’m a mistake. I know this. I wasn’t meant to be born. I am a sick joke of someone. Like the playpus of the human race. The thing that went wrong.
I have been thinking about a song tonight, and it wasn’t till just then I remembered what it was. It’s called “Not Pretty Enough, by a wonderful country artist, Kasey Chambers. Right now the lyrics are going over and over in my head..
"Not Pretty Enough"
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don’t I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can
I liked this song when it came out a few years ago. And I still like it today.. The difference being today I know I’m not pretty enough. Its not a question anymore. It’s a statement.
I hope I’m not annoying everyone with my blogs. I kinda feel I am, but I have a lot to say, so to you , YES you , who think I’m taking over. Screw you..