It is the first day of this new road I've chosen. The difference this time is that I have God (as I always have) and nowthis site as a blessing from Him.

A little background: I'm a recovering alcoholic (2yrs, 7mos dry) who was desperate for a little 'pick-me-up' after weeks of deep fatigue a year ago. I don't have years and years of drug use under my belt, but I am ashamed that I have even one year to talk about. I haven't hit a 'bottom', I just have a gift of awareness and self-conviction when it comes to things I shouldn't be doing.

I knew nothing a year ago. As a recovering alcoholic (actually, I'm more of a dry drunk) I tend to prefer the more relaxing drug, like marjiuana or alcohol… even downersripts would be great if I could ever try to get my hands on some while being secretive enough. The speed I tried a year ago just happened to be avaiable and gave me a sense of energy I'd, of course, never felt before. I knew I was in trouble because I felt SO good after weeks of misery and unmotivation.

At first, like with any other addiction, I told myself I could control it and not let it get out of hand. Well, it's been a year and I now realize I can't.

I can't express (as probably all of you know) how guilty I feel for what I've been doing. I even hid it from my family- I just told my husband about it a month ago and I thought that would help me not do it anymore… Only five days later, I was abusing again. Now I'm wandering around secretly again, trying to stay calm when my mind and heart are racing.–> Trying to pretend to sleep next to your husband while on speed is HELL. Of course all I wanted to do was get up and clean stuff, but even that seems boring and not 'fast paced' enough throughout my 'up'.

Well, I'm hoping that typing in here and reading your stories along with prayer and trust in God I will succeed in not using again. I'm already tempted and thinking of ways to justify it. It's AWFUL!!!

For now, I'm sober. Thanks be to God. Amen.