My first blog.
I couldn't sleep last night, restless.
Restless because my wife was restless, and that is because I suspect she suspects that I am up to "no good".
Restless because I am up to "no good", spending time on the internet looking at porn (Yes, I am a porn addict – don't bloody laugh – it's not a joke!)
December 2011 – took an upskirt picture – wife caught me, and our marriage of 15 years almost ended on that day, in that hour, in that minute… for one second of insanity.
The "hit" I was getting from the computer screen was not enough – I needed something stronger. My addiction had spilled out of the electronic world of pixels on a screen to where I stupidly thought I could get away with being a producer of my own material, and a stronger fix because of this.
Folks out there reading this will be shaking their heads saying "what was he thinking"; which is exactly what I ask myself… what was I thinking?
Move on to December 2012 – after a year of struggling with this, I may not be back to snapping my own pictures, but I can say that I have not been able to shake the overwhelming inner voice that compels me to hook up and surf.
Even now as I write this, my eyes wonder over to the other computer in the corner of the room – the one where I can browse the hardest porn to get my fix.
So back to last night, tossing and turning, I grabbed my phone and wrote myself this email:
"2013 is the year of doing, not just thinking about things. Seek support – DO IT! Seriously consider what not doing something about this will cost."
And so here I am, instead of browsing porn, I am here writing something that I hope brings about a new beginning (the Alpha), and the end of my addiction (the Omega).
And in writing this, I find myself able to have the self-control to do better things with my time. This makes me happy.
Thanks for reading.