The silence has come back, no one here but me and my shadow. There is a nice calming about the silence, it lets my mind be at ease. Getting to sleep was horrible last night, but finally was able do so after blogging. I do feel better and want to continue writing. Perhaps its an area i need to explore more.

Im usually not comfortable in speaking my mind or being opionated. I feel judged enough as it is. To be silent and to be silenced are diffirent indeed..its hard to seperate the 2 right now.

In this blog i hope to fullfull my quest in letting go the past once all for all. Theres a lot of surpressed memories. Ones ive bottled up and tried to ignore.Thers a lot going on and has gone on more recently in my life but i feel its best to go back to the beginning. Memories can come back at the strangest times, amazing how we sometimes remember something which had been long forgotton.These are the memories which I hope to captureincase i may forget them alltogether

All memories , good and bad are what shapes us and prepares us for uncertainty and the known future as well. Some have a much better and easier understanding of thier future while they are still young. some develop later into a place in society where you feel you belong. This has been extremely different and difficult for me. i honestly had no clue what i would ever become. All my interests in education seemed to go against my fathers will. So those types of dreams never took form.

I wasnt into making lots of money and certainly wasnt aimed at becoming successful in life. I realize now that my self esteem was so low that i held myself back from a lot. I didnt have that drive nor the passion that others had.I was content working meaningless labour, odd jobs with low pay. Of coarse i wanted more in life and i did feel used and under valued. But I felt that the better things in life werent available to me.Most succesfull people i knew had got somewhere cause of who they knew and connections ect.

And I also did know some very smart people who are successful today because of thier sheer intelect. I love science, history and archeology. Would have been so cool to go hunting for old evidence of life and culture from the past. I think they have the coolest jobs in the world.

My first interest was in radio , I wanted to be a sports radio talk show voice. I spent thousands of hours listening to sports games on the radio growing up. Even though we had a TV , i often choose to hang out alone in my room picking up broadcasts of baseball games. I would escape into the games and listen to the talkers as if they were all right in front of me. The voices on the radio were so magical then, its not quite like that anymore. Especially now with the internet and supertech cell phones

Sometimes i would listen to talk shows on politics when there were no games on. Unfortunately there is always a war going on somewhere it seems, so theres plenty of stuff to listen to .

Just remembered I had one of those radio kits you buy from radio shack ( called " the source " now ) . It was open and you could see all the parts, the dials , rubber bands, gears, electrical gagets and the tuning knobs. I should check out some of the newer ones they have now.