I could say a lot of things about my bf and call him all the names under the sun right now. However, that is not productive, helpful or curative. Instead I need to talk about the issues within my relationship. I am not the best partner, and I am not perfect. I am far from perfect, and I have a lot of issues to deal with. But tonight, I had an arguement with my bf. Not one those all out ones, not one with tantrums and tears, there were a few ultimatums and bullying tactics used, and shamefully, yes i did use them too. But i caught myself using these horrid and destestable things.
The backstory: I have not had a nice, quiet, romantic evening or just any evening or time alone with him for the last fews weeks, and we have not had sex in 3 weeks. We have had friends over, voluntary groups to help with, and he has had a lot of late shifts in work. And I have been giving up time alone with him so he can spend it with his family as he doesn't see them that often. Some of which I dont really get on with and dont like spending time with. But I do this for him. I do it to make him happy, I do it because I dont want to be selfish and have all of his attention – that is not healthy and its not fair on him or me.
So, today on his day off, the only one that I get the entire day with him, he is called into work. He agrees to go in and still work tomorrow! Instead of having the day off – like would normally happen. Instead he was going in to work a few hours later tomorrow, so I couldnt have a night in with him tonight or tomorrow!!! And i wasn't going to get long with him today due to the time he was called in for. So I told him if he works both nights, dont come back! Unfair and very hurtful, but i dont know what else to do. I tell him how I feel and what I want to see happen and what I would compromise on, but he never listens to me when I try and talk about these things. I have to throw and tantrum and an ultimatum for him to listen to me! and that isn't fair on me! So he decided not to go in to work tonight, but I was already feeling like he had let me down for not keeping a night off work this week for us to have together! And he never books any time off work for me, only when he has training courses to go on with our voluntary group! which makes me feel like he doesnt care about me as much as I think he should. He then says he can't come to an event I have tomorrow because he now has to work longer tomorrow as he didnt go in tonight!
I just feel like he leaves out loads of important information so that I dont know exactly when he is free, or when he can make things with me or even when I will have time with him! I just feel like he doesnt take me into account in any decisions he makes and can't be bothered to think of me. When I tried to tell him this, he said you have let me down, you have not been there when I wanted you to come with me – not remembering that when this happened, I was deep in my depression and not even able to get out of bed and have a shower or eat food! and his response was, so every time you have a problem with me, you can just tell me and hate me, but when I have a problem with you, you just use your depression as an excuse and your get out clause?
I couldnt believe I was hearing not only was I feeling let down, overlooked, and ignored, and to top it off I felt like I didnt even know him anymore. all I could ask was – have I pushed him to far? Is he cheating on me?
I feel at a loss, and dont know what to do. I cant stay where I am, I will become depressed again, but I dont want to loose him – something stupid like this should not destroy my relationship. Am I asking too much of him? Are my expectations too high? Am I the one who needs to change? Am I at fault here?
Thanks for reading to here, please offer your thoughts I need to hear your opinions and have an objective view. I need your help!