So I'm having a hard time because my grandfather is dying and we are super close, I think I've talked about this before.  Anyway, a few months ago my mom called me at college and told me that grandpa was using a cane.  I told her she was out of her mind, my grandfather does not use a cane.  It is hard to go from that conversations to now, just a few months later this old man with an oxygen tank, slumped over, and unable to move at all without assistance.  He means so much to me; he just has a similar mind to mine too and he listens and says things so much like they are which I really respect in people.  On top of all that stress my family can't go an hour without arguing and I think my mom is living on 3 hours of sleep after last night's late hospital visit.  My grandmother is also dying of alzheimers and I love her so much too.  Today she forgot my name once and forgot I was sitting there a couple times.

I've always accepted God and believed so strongly my entire life.  I wanted to be a writer and teacher for so long because I felt that was my calling and I could teach people about faith I could help them have faith.  I've felt crappier than this, I guess that's reassuring but I guess because of that little four year experience when I totally had 110 percent faith all the time and never let God out of my sight to now.  I just look up at the heavens and I want to ask why?  Why do you create cancer?  Why do you create alzheimers?  Sure they're old and I've had a long time with them to learn all that I could from them, but why these horrible diseases that intoxicate the blood and the body?  I understand why people must die and why new life must begin but I just have to stop and wonder, can't there be a somewhat more dignified way?

On top of all of that, I feel like I feel everyone's pain twice the amount of the average person.  I live at emotional extremes and I just soak up all of this crap that's happening around me, no matter how much I tell myself its normal, natural, and convince myself that God must be behind this.

Lots of tears lately, I just can't help myself.  A judge once told me I was "emotionally unstable" during a hearing over a minor traffic infringement and I keep trying to stop I keep trying to tell myself to not stop living life to the fullest; that's not what my grandfather would have wanted but I just can't seem to stop sometimes.  I feel really sad.


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