I am almost 19 and I will be a freshman in college. College is overwhelming enough. But college isn’t what has been bothering me. My freshman year in high school, I met a boy and he was very nice. But I was after those bad boys; I just wanted to “fit in.” Well multiple times I went on dates with this boy, we will call him Kolt. Kolt and I had a very awkward friendship. He wanted to date me, and I just wanted to go on dates. Kolt took me to homecoming; he would take me to dinner, or movies, or out to his house. He shows cattle and I love animals, so he would take me to see all the animals on his farm. He would talk to me about my mom having cancer, because his mom had a similar form of cancer and would give me advice and he would even talk to her about things to make her feel better. My mom absolutely adored Kolt. You could tell he was a very sweet person, but I just never felt like I would be happy with him because we were both shy and even though he would hang out with me, things never got less awkward. My junior year, I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I was upset. Well Kolt text me and asked how I was and I talked to him for a little and then he asked me if I wanted him to come pick me up and go see the animals. Of course, I agreed. This time was just like all the others. That night it was cold and he was standing close to me. He turned me around and hugged me. He tilted my chin up towards his and just looked at me for a little. Then he kissed me. Of the three years we spent time together, he had never tried to kiss me. I had always gotten attached to people fast and I always feel too deep. With Kolt, it felt different from the beginning. Soon after we were spending every day after school together. In March, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I gladly accepted. I believe I truly love him, and have from the beginning. He and I would argue about dumb things, but we never had real fights and none of our arguments ever lasted more than a few hours. I went to Florida in August and he had to go to state fair, so we still would text and talk on the phone all the time. After a few days, he started seeming distant. I didn’t know what to think, but I just pushed it aside and thought it was because we hadn’t seen each other for a while. When I got back, he said he was tired and wanted to sleep. I let him. The next day he came to my house and said he had to tell me something. I automatically panicked as any other girl would, and after some time, he told me that he started talking to someone else he met at state fair. I was crushed and I tried to walk away, but he wouldn’t let me. He made me talk to him until I felt okay. He told me he was sorry and it wasn’t because of me. We talked about everything for a few hours and things were better. I had decided that I wanted to take a break for a while so he could figure things out, and reluctantly he agreed. At that point, I had very strong feelings for him, but I wouldn’t say I loved him yet. We ended up getting back together and things were fine. Our senior year started and as time went on, I wanted to spend more time with friends and didn’t know if I wanted a boy friend my senior year. The whole year we would hang out and be like we were when we were together, and other times we wouldn’t talk at all because we knew that if we continued talking, we wouldn’t be able to move on. I had started talking to another guy, but I always had feelings for Kolt. I had thought that I would be happier with this other guy and I pushed Kolt away again. This time wasn’t the same as the rest. This time he was visually heartbroken. After a while, I tried to come back to him but he said that he wanted to have some time apart because he thought it would be best. All the other times, one of us would come back to the other because the feelings wouldn’t diminish. Now, he has been dating another girl for about 3 or 4 months. I have tried countless times to just move on, but no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can’t have feelings for anyone else. I miss him so much and all I can do is wait for him to leave his girlfriend and try to come back. Everyone tells me that I need to just walk away and find someone else. But we have been “officially” broken up since December. And I feel as if I were supposed to move on, I would have been able to by now. I feel like we are supposed to be together. I need advice from someone on the outside. Do you think he could still possibly love me? Could all this waiting be worth it? Am I being delusional about this whole situation? Please help me.


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