Got some weird thoughts. Im still getting fat. Demons run me. What else can i do? Im quite pathetic at the moment. Thinking i have to say nothing. Feeble attempts to reach out off the basis I’m invisible. I realise how big i am. Internally.
What i am capable of in the right conditions. Writing, helping people write and feel involved. But I am the one that needs to be fully involved in something. I wish it was more than a computer. I wish i didn’t have to be connected to a screen. I wish i could interact with another person and perform. Somehow.
I went for a walk with my auntie. I enjoyed every minute. The time passed very quickly.
I cut up meat after I returned home. I wonder why being around my parents when i am focusing is painful? Why do i feel humiliation around my dad? Why do i feel stress around my mum still sometimes. Now my subconscious is sending me words that trigger stress. I know that much. I think it is because it seems i would rather be alone. I’d rather not speak.
Im not doing my best.
Im still scared. I don’t know the answers or how to be more routine.
My goals are reading and exercise.
I feel like that too sometimes, I think everyone gets lost in their thoughts sometimes.
I just posted something similar to this in the forum, I feel like I am losing who I am. My self Confidence is low, I feel fat and feel like a zombie most days!
I have been told to do something every day for you, something that makes you happy. Like the walk with you auntie, or have a nice bath or writing. I’ve been trying to keep a journal but I’m not the best with words.
You will get there, it seems harder when you see others around you so comfortable and confident with who they are, but you are just as important and as worthy as they are! In fact you are probably stronger because you have gone through things that they may never will and you have survived!
Be brave and keep strong