I am trying to analyze my pattern of thinking in this blog. 

It starts out with thoughts of poor poor pitiful me. So I try to blow it off and tell myself that I don’t care.  But obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this state of mind.  I think.  Why is it so damn difficult for me to make friends.  I know, in order to have a friend you have to be a friend.  I try, Lord knows I try.  Am I trying too hard?  Am I a pain in the ass? Am I boring?  Am I looking in the wrong places?  I know I am not a great conversationalist most of the time.

And you know, now that I think about it, is that what this is really about?  This is not totally accurate I would have to say.  I do have a couple of very good friends that I do things with on a regular basis.  So why does this matter so much to me?  Is the devil in my mind and he is doing this to me, so that I turn to where I need to stay away from?  Most of the time when I get this depressed I keep to myself anyway, so his plan is foiled.  What would be his benefit of me sitting here, crying, and feeling this way.  It’s not like I have plans of going out and preaching to the world or anything.  So I remain here. (Lord thank you for the strength you have given me)

And then I wonder is it the lack of ambition that is driving this?  I would much rather play on the computer than work around the house.  And I do quite often.  Am I depressing myself out of anger and frustration, because I don’t have the ambition to do things, the same things that on another day will bring me joy.  Or am I out of ambition because I am depressed. 

These pills were supposed to supplement the Wellbutrin and help.  After one week, I dont know that I see an improvement.  I was told to call if it does not improve, otherwise I go back in 3 months.  I will wait a few more days. 

What the hell is wrong with me, seriously.  I have scared my daughter, and now I know she is worried and that’s not what I wanted at all.  I dont want people to walk on eggshells around me, but I feel as though thats what they are doing.  This is such a funk I am in.  Basically I started feeling bad late this morning and it got worse as the day went by. 

I am forcing myself to go to yoga tonight, since I know I will leave feeling better.  It won’t be easy, but I know I have to do it.  Why cant I transfer that willpower to other things in my life.  Oh how I wish I could.

Some of the people write at the end of their blog, if you made it this far…

Well, if you made it this far and are still awake, kudos to you. May God bless you.