Hello, everyone!! i’ve missed so much from this site, these past several months. i have NOT forgotten how caring a great many of you truly are.
For whatever reason, i was suddenly unable to do anything more than log on/off with the site. And, so many of my contacts/friends/acquaintances, i didn’t have emails for, i just had to hope would be OK….
This has truly been a trying time, and not just due to my daughter’s death in February. i have received the autopsy and coroner’s reports, since i was last able to post anything, so at least i have concrete answers there. *sigh The answers are just really hard to stomach and i feel like i have to go back so i can help keep an eye on my grandson’s well-being. No one has been completely honest with me, throughout this whole situation–that’s close to it.
i’m grateful for the few times i’ve been actually able to speak to and hear my grandson’s voice! He has made me smile, every time, so that’s gotta account for something. As some of you already know, my plan is to leave Canada and return to my home state–North Carolina–to be closer to my son and my grandson….. i also cannot continue to meander through, hoping things will get better between my husband and myself. This has been a truly hard lesson for me to learn, and i’m still continuing to (learn), but i have to believe that this is not what my life is supposed to be and i need to work on me and my own situation.
So many things in life we try to protect others from…. Or, is it that we’re trying to protect ourselves from the outside world? Fear has definitely been a challenge in my life. The worry and anxiety that comes right along with the ptsd and depression…. It’s all a huge bundle of nerves for me. But, i’ve finally made up my mind that i won’t let it win. i am gonna take this trip, physically, on my own. Yes, the anxiety grows stronger every day, the closer i get to leaving. And, of course, i’m worried about traveling solo–i’ve only flown once by myself, and that was a very strained-time, as it was–so, i have to hope this trip will go better for me. i know i have some strong support to help me through this and it’s not like i’m going to some strange place, once i arrive, so that helps!!! i just need to keep pushing forward and try to get through this without so much additional damage.
i’ll just put it this way: i hope this site doesn’t try to make any additional changes, for the near future. i have truly needed the support of the tribes, and was unable to actually get it, until now. i know i’m not the only one who depends on it for some additional suggestions and shoulders to lean on. i am grateful for those of you who have continued to leave messages, since i’ve not been able to respond for these past several months. You are all appreciated!!! i am blessed to have such caring individuals in my life. Thank you!!!