I am 33, and I have been struggling on and off with depression since I was a teenager. I have had years where things have been good, like a depression remission if you will. In fact until about 2 1/2 years ago I was coping well, without meds.
At that time I lost my father, and when I say lost I mean he fought cancer for 2 years and in the end nothing anyone could do could save him. The morning he passed away was the single worst moment in my entire life.
I am my father's mirror, and as the time passes I see more and more of him in myself. It is a constant bitter sweet reminder of him. Since losing him the beast that lives inside me has come back with force.
I call my depression that because that's what it has always felt like for me. A beast inside that seems to rise up from the depths of my core and overtake me. Even during the good times I could always feel it in the background wanting to take control.
Right now it is the ugliest it has ever been and it seems to be in control. Every day is a battle to get up and face the world. I want to retract, curl up and just fade away. Sink right into the darkness and let it swallow me whole.
I have been on meds for about a year and I take them like a good girl. I don't think they are helping anymore. I need to make an apointment and see my doctor but motivation is not there.
I have tried therapists, but I find myself playing with them, feeding them information in way that I know how they will respond. This is like a reflex, and not intentional. I do it every time.
In the past 3 months I have had the plesaure of increased anxiety joing my depression and have experienced 2 major attacks. I feel helpless and lost. I don't know where to go from here, I just want to sleep all the time. I am so tired of fighting.