Have you ever felt like you were being crushed alive. Today the emotions just dumped on me. Are they mine or do they belong to others. In the long run does it even matter. I try to figure out where they come from and more important how to deal with them. My moods control me and try as hard as a can I can not seem to control them. There is a good point about being here, I cant kill myself(is that good or bad…verdict is still out) I might think about doing it, even try to formulate a plan, but it cant be carried out. I lack the energy to carry it out. On days like this I go between the past and future, it is hard to stay focused in the present. Perhaps because the present is filled with emotions, doubts, decisions, at times it is easier to avoid it. I like to think it takes less energy to avoid the present then deal with it, but the truth is I am paralayzed , I cant seem to move forward . So I drift my thoughts between the past(where we have no do overs) and the future(where I am not sure if I want to go). In the past I use to tell myself, and anyone that would listen, if only I had a baby, if only I was married, if only I would go back to school, if I would take my meds, if if if… I did all these ifs, I became a nurse, got married had four kids and a house full of animals. But guess what the ifs did not make me happy, not for long. The ifs did not bring me the peace I so much seek. I know now it needs to come from within me, but how do I find it, where to look??? Then I look to the future hoping there is something there to hitch my , mind, thoughts something anything that will pull me out of this place. This place being the here and now. This place that threathens to crush me, push me further in the hole down deep where there is little chance of escape. At times this dark hole that comes to call is a comfort, I know where it goes and I just fall with it, but then there is something in me that wants to fight, that sees the light and knows there must be more to this journey. The journey they call life. For years I have asked what is the purpose of life, most will say its a blessing to enjoy, to look outside ourselves to help others, to enjoy each day for we never know when it will be our last day. This all makes sense, to hear, but how to put it in practice. I thought I would work, between my kids, my moods I couldnt do it. I miss the money, so now we have stress from lack of funds, but its a trade off because my mental is more important then money (i think). Then I thought I would take some classes, to expand my mind and grow, but then something in me says why waste the money , what am I going to get out of it? Part of me thinks its good to always learn something new, but then there is that part that says why bother, it does not matter. They say we should have no regrets when we die, if I died right now I would have plenty. Can I change them now, at times I think I can then most times I think why bother its not worth it. It is a daily struggle to get through the day, let along figure out past and future. Then at times I think I should change my meds, I went off them last year in July and felt great, then the bottom dropped out of my world, was it going off the meds or things and changes in my life, now I am back on meds since Dec, do they help or hinder, should I stop them or continue or change them or nothing at all. I cant even make a simple choice about meds, dinner, what to wear where to go.. Am I crazy maybe. but I think I have alot of company. My moods have gotten much worse in Jan and Feb which is my pattern, I will come out of this, but one year I might not and that might not be a bad thing. I am one of those people that need something to focus on, something to pull me to the next place. with out that I am lost, dont know where to turn what to do . At times I think that is why I kepted getting animals, it gave me a focus point, for awhile. I probally would of continued having babies too. I know deep inside it needs to come from me, but I cant seem to find it. Where is the answer??? Why cant I find it??? What to do from here??? Maybe the morning light will bring me peace, answers, even a place to start. And I think its worse because its just not me I have kids that need me, that need direction, how can I give them direction when I am so loss. I try to tell people how I feel , but I am not sure they understand it, some try, others just look the other way. I think this is the worse my moods have ever been, but then again maybe I thought the same last year. My family teases me and says I am bipolar, but its not a joke it sucks, I just pray to God that they never have to go through this. I would love to be normal but then again what is normal, maybe I am normal its just the way I process and see things that is the problem, then again maybe the world is crazy and I am the sane one…..


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