Today my writing continues my mind is still a tangled mess. Just when I think I am out of the dark it grabs me again. Sometimes to sort things out I compare things, not sure why but it helps or perhaps its an unbreakable habit. Picture two places one is like cheerios, plain, white/brown and the other is fruit loops colorful and rough around the edges. I live in the fruit loops and the other is the cheerios. I picture the cheerios place as clean, organized, white or plain colors, laid back, the people have time for themselves and each other. If they want dinner together or apart they have that choice, they can have sex whereever and whenever they want. Enjoy the day or rush through it. Probally not much alive depends on the cheerios house, no animals, nor potted plants that need water, kids grown and on there own. I wonder what it would be like to live there. Everything in its place a place for everything. Are they happy or do they search for something else. Would they trade there organized existence for life in fruitloop land. In fruitloop land your feet hit the floor running, there is not much time to think, which in itself can be good. There is noise and clutter, people, animals and even plants wanting attention. The color scheme is anything but plain, it resembles a box of exploded crayons. From reds, blacks, greens and more. Plus toys galore. Dogs and cats under feet bring joy, but at times cause stress because they need, need, need. Kids growing older but not out is good and bad. The fruitloop house has always been full of kids and animals, without them here what will it become. I wonder where the time has gone babies turned to young adults, walls closing in, time becoming short. Things that dont bother others, bothers me. How do people stay on track and seem to focus and accept things for what they are. All around me kids grow up and move on as they should, dogs grow old and die. Couples fight and make up. It rain or snows or perhaps the sun shines. All these things happen to us all, but they seem to unravel me more then most. I pray, cry, laugh, write and pray some more. Some days are easier then others I try to ride them out and not fight them, things will change whether we want them to or not. Life is all about changes. As i reread what I wrote its good that very few will read this, because I am crazy, but I accept that. I have spent my whole life fighting, well fighting isnt the right word I guess you would say dealing with depression. There are some days that I can just ride it out but days like this it is hard. My hopes is that in writing and sharing and sorting out things I can bring a balance back into my life a balance that has been missing for awhile. In part its off balance because of choices I made, feeling the need to fill a void I over extended myself, now I have to figure out where I fit into this world I have created. I know soon this will pass and in its place will be some clarity, at least for awhile. The sun will shine again the demons will lay to rest and the dark side will be avoided until it comes to call again.
Today finds me indifferent, which in itself is not a bad place to be, but this borders to close to saddness. I try to explain how I feel and think but there is not a pen and paper around that can help me explain what I feel, yet I try. Most the time i feel hopeless like life is over, things I wanted to do places I wanted to see, its to late. There are no do overs in life. I wanted kids, but did not give it much thought. I guess I was selfish to bring them into this world. I am thankful they are here, but sad they have to endure this place. It seems for every one joy there are two pains, what kind of odds are they. People who say they are your friends, but are really not. People who listen and shake there head, but they dont really hear. Everyday wake and go through the paces of your life, its like groundhogs day, the only thing that changes is the number on the calander. Is this what life is, you feel like your in a box and you can sometimes see outside your four walls, but you cant move beyond them because of the hand you were dealt. That hand keeps you locked into your own box for eternity. Perhaps this is life, boxes lined up all in a roll. Everyone doing there own thing, pretending to care and listen but really wrapped up in there own. Some venture out to brave what is outside the box, at times those people make me jealous. Why cant I do that, why cant I be more like them. Where do they find the strength and will power to do it. Basicaly we are all the same, kids, bills, jobs, health issues. What sets them apart from the rest, are they as happy as they appear. Are they aware that they are different. Or are the people that live in the boxes different. In the end does it even matter. What matters is not how we got to this point, but where we go from here. I try to stay positive for my self and for my kids. It is an uphill climb that at times ends with me at the bottom starting the climb again. There are times I want to give up the climb, but would not because there are people who depend on me. There dependence can be good and bad, good they keep me here climbing upwards. The down side is at times I feel like I have no control, I feel I have to be here, I have to do this or that. Not having a feeling of control brings on negative feelings more out of frusration. Then the cycle begins again. and it brings us back to groundhog day….. Would we not all like to move out of the box. Be it we are boxed in by fear, depression, fear of change….