I’ve joined this forum out of desperation. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say I’ve joined out of several different desperations. I’m desperate for some sense of community, desperate not to feel so alone. I’m desperate to offload some of the thoughts that haunt my mind. I’m desperate to feel anything other than awful. I’m desperate to connect to anything and anyone beyond myself. I’m desperate.
I’ve struggled with depression for several years now. I have a chronic health condition that results in severe chronic pain and led to me having my right leg amputated five years ago. The amputation was a cataclysmic event that has infused itself to most aspects of my everyday experience. I hate my prosthesis. I hate having one leg (I can barely bring myself to even type the word “stub”). I’ve been to therapy and tried several different medications, but nothing has been successful in helping me get a handle on my depression or learn to accept my disability. How can I be okay with being in so much pain? How can I be okay with having to put on my leg every morning? I know none of you has concrete answers to any of these questions, that you all have your own struggles. I’m not really looking for answers. I’m just trying to not feel so damn alone. The simple act of typing this and knowing it will be visible to people beyond myself brings its own comfort.