I spent the greater part of today looking for a spiritual director. I emailed a priest concerning some issues that I’ve been having, and he suggested that I start working with a spiritual director. I emailed four of them, and three of them got back to me. The one I really want to work with is a Catholic sister, a Dominican. But she is hesitant to work with me unless I get the ok from my therapist. I find that to be a bummer, considering I feel like my issues are more spiritual than mental-health-based. I hope she will consent to work with me, after I speak with my therapist. I have a brand new therapist, I like him a lot. He is better equipped to help me deal with my symptoms than my previous therapist. I was shy to break up with her, so I did it over text. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to end things, but there it is.

Only once in my life previously did I have a spiritual director, and I only saw her once. It was when I was in college, planning on becoming a nun. I had a very close relationship with God back then. I remember seeing the Holy Spirit in the daffodils on campus, and telling my spiritual director about it. I saw more daffodils in my neighbor’s yard the other day, but could not find the Holy Spirit in them this time. So I need spiritual direction more than ever. I cannot feel the presence of God.

This world has become so ugly to me, I can’t even begin to tell you. The sun doesn’t look right in the sky, the trees are all droopy and scraggly, not symmetrical like they should be. Nothing looks right to my eyes. How could God be in such an ugly place? God’s beauty is nowhere to be found. It’s not just a spiritual issue. He is simply not here, as far as I’m concerned. Nothing looks right, everything looks wrong. How could God be here? If God were here, the world wouldn’t look so ugly, things would look normal and beautiful again. It’s possible that it’s just me who sees the world in this way. It’s possible that everyone else can still see the beauty in things, that my mind is so distorted that it can’t view the world the way it is, but can only see ugliness. I still believe it’s a spiritual problem, and not a mental health problem, but because it seems like a mental health problem, I’m in therapy and taking medication. But because I believe it is a spiritual problem, that is my explanation for why the medication doesn’t seem to be helping. I really hope I can work with the sister to try and figure out how I can find God again.

Each day I have such a rotten feeling inside, the days seem so dark to me, I can’t stand it. I see dark shadows in literally everything, and I’m so frightened all the time. I have this undercurrent of fear that runs through me constantly, it doesn’t let up. Perfect love drives out fear, and God is love, therefore that leads me to believe that God is no longer with me. I can’t escape the fear, it chases me every day. And today I feel caught. Like the fear has caught up with me and ensnared me. I feel nauseated, really. I wish so much I could feel God’s presence, like a healing stream, like I used to feel, many years ago. It’s been fourteen years. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I’m ready for this nightmare to be over.